African Days....

All this talk of Guy Stair-Carpet and the King of Rwanda has made me
reminisce about an article I first posted here in 1998.

Believing it to be germane to the current conversations, I take the liberty
of reposting it...

[Begin Repost]

<19277-37346CC3...@newsd-174.iap.bryant.webtv.net>...
I've been wondering, any traditions anyone knows about?

Well I have one or two - but the more interesting examples concern foreign
royalty - and, in particular, monarchs who used to hold sway over vast
tracts of equatorial Africa.

During my missionary days in Guinea I had great deal of trouble with the
Onshonka tribe (ruled over by their beloved, 490 lb monarch, King Abetstusi.

Abetstusi was a huge jovial man with an infectious sense of humour - but,
unfortunately, was also, in the Onshonka tradition, addicted to
cannibalism.

Despite my stern rebukes delivered in my weekly Sermons preached in the
grass thatched mission hut, I was unable to shake his often expressed belief
that it was 'entirely natural, old chap' (Abetstusi was a Cambridge
graduate) 'to eat ones social inferiors'.

Despite this character flaw Abetstusi , in all other matters of the
Christian faith, was a shining example to many in the so-called 'developed'
world! His enthusiastic rendition of the Moody & Sankey Hymnal - during
which his booming baritone would echo over the distant rain forest! - often
brought me close to rears, such was his devout simplicity.

Even his spirited participation in the Service - loudly calling out, "Amen
Brother", and, "Praise The Lord", at salient points in my Homily, was
genuine
Enough! Indeed, at times, I had to struggle to remind myself that this
most fervent of worshippers would, after the conclusion of the meeting,
return to his kraal and consume a hearty lunch consisting of one or other of
his captured enemies!

As the months passed, Abetstusi and I adopted a pragmatic approach to the
problem of his cannibalism! - I toned down my diatribes against the practice
and, for his part, Abetstusi was careful never to eat in front of me during
my frequent visits to his court. Needless to say, good manners always
prevented Abetstusi from inviting me to participate in any banquets or
similar festivities - even at Christmas.

Thus, all went well until the day that a breathless runner arrived at the
mission compound informing me that the King required to see me an urgent
matter. Arriving at the Royal kraal, I was ushered into Abetstusi's august
presence and listened carefully as the King unburdened himself.

It seemed that my preaching against the practice of eating one's fellow man
had sown something of a seed in the Kings heart. So much so that he had
made strenuous efforts to reduce his consumption of human flesh - and was
currently down to only one victim per month.

However, a problem had arisen in the guise of the Mother of his ninth wife.
Apparently, the Onshonka people had long been observers of 'Mothers
Day - certainly, for centuries before the tradition had taken off in the
West.

Their celebrations, however, differed somewhat from the festivities that we
have come to recognise. On the Onshonka Mothering Sunday it was
traditional to eat one of the tribal Mothers - the whole village joining in
the feast.

To be selected for eating was considered to be a very great honour amongst
the Onshonka women - and competition was fierce amongst them to try and
ensure that they would be chosen for the feast.

This year the lot had fallen upon Miritaki - the Kings ninth Mother-in-Law,
who was already preening herself and telling everyone who was willing to
listen (as well as many who were not!) that her size (she was an ample
woman) would ensure double portions for the entire community.

As I listened I began to appreciate the kings dilemma - his conscience was
beginning to tell him that eating his Mother-in-Law was inappropriate and,
yet, he was only too aware of the shame and humiliation that would fall upon
the unfortunate woman should he announce that the practice of eating ones
mother was to be abandoned.

Indeed, I could well imagine the jibes and taunts that Miritaki would have
to
endure - cruel jokes about her age and toughness being the real reason that
the King could not bring himself to eat her!

It was clear that the King was looking to me for a solution to his dilemma,
and
I spent that night deep in prayer as I wrestled for an answer that would
preserve the dignity of Miritaki and satisfy Biblical precepts.

The dawn was breaking as, tired and haggard, I rose from my knees with what
I was certain was the answer.

Hurrying to the royal kraal, I bade the King summon the elders together in
order that I might address them. Producing a letter (which, actually, was
from my estate agent back in England informing me that an offer had been
made on a property that I owned in Somerset!) I employed the subterfuge that
it was, in fact, a letter from His Majesty King George - acknowledging their
loyal greetings and offering them the inestimable benefit of his advice on
dietary matters.

Keeping the letter carefully hidden from all but King Abetstusi (who, of
course, was party to the deception) I made it plain that His Gracious
Majesty was concerned about the increasing incidence of coronary heart
disease affecting his loyal subjects in many parts of the empire. I
further informed them that King George's own doctors had advised him to
abstain from eating any part of his subjects other than their arms.

In conclusion, I informed them of King George's wish that all his subjects
followed his own example and refrained from eating any part of the torso -
which was a prime source of cholesterol and other fatty substances.

My ploy worked! - and it was unanimously decided by the elders that, from
that day forth, they would follow King George's wise example and eat only
the arms of their fellows!

Thus, at the Mothers Day feast (which I felt obliged to attend) I was
witness to the peculiarly macabre spectacle of an extremely cheerful
Miritaki, with two bandaged stumps where her arms had formerly been,
talking and joking with her friends - who were feeding her pieces of meat in
between gales of laughter!

To this day, I often think of my days amongst the Onshonka - especially when
confronted with the annual commercial pressures to buy Mothering Sunday
gifts and
cards.

I have many, may other memories of my African days, should you be
interested..........