Refusing to leave...

One of the biggest problems I am facing with my four year old is when
it comes time to leave various places. He either does the "limp
noodle" (where he pretends his legs give out), starts to cry, or simply
refuses to go. This happens when we are at his cousins' house, at
school, at his grandparents house, or at the park. I have tried
reasoning with him (asking him why he doesn't want to leave), I have

Amy...

Well, that's pretty clear - he's having fun.

tried being stern with him (saying "We have to leave now" and that's
all). I've tried just picking him up and going. I have tried
punishing him. It seems I have tried just about everything I can think

Amy...

I don't think you want to punish him all day because he has a hard time
transitioning from one thing to the next. That makes for a long, sad
day.

of. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions?

Ericka Kammerer...

1) Plan ahead. There are likely times when he's likely to be more
resistant. There are transitions that are likely to be more
difficult for him. Avoid the worst by planning where you can.
2) Lay out the day's schedule for him early and often so he
knows what's going to happen.
3) Give fair warning. Tell him *before* it's time to go. Ideally,
give him a time limit in a way he can understand ("We'll go
when Mommy finishes her cup of coffee" rather than "We'll leave
in 20 minutes" since he likely can't gauge 20 minutes very well).
4) When it's time to go, it's time to go. No muss, no fuss, carry
him off if you have to.
5) When possible, give him something to look forward to.

Some kids have a very difficult time with transitions, so you
may not be able to make it easy. What you can do is structure
the day to minimize transitions, encourage him to transition on
his own, and such. The more you can routinize transitions,
the easier it is likely to be on him.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Dave {Reply Address in.Sig}...

If it's an appropriate place then just leave. He thinks you're not going
to leave without him so just say that you're leaving and he can come
with you if he wants to. Then do it. Most kids will have an immediate
change of heart and not want to be left behind. You'll probably only
have to do it once, after that the mere suggestion ought to be enough to
encourage him to leave.

Welches...

Wouldn't work with my 2 year old if it was somewhere she wanted to be. She'd
just say "bye" and go back to play. I give her 5 minute warning, then a
count of 3, then pick her up if she doesn't come.
Otoh #1, even at this age, I would say "if you don't come now, then I won't
bring you back next week/next time" and this still works at 5yo.
Pick your actions to match the child, there's no one answer.
Debbie

dragonlady...

That approach works with some kids.

Unfortunately, for DD2, while it DID make her come with me when I did
it, it also precipitated recurrent abandonment nightmares, without
making her STOP doing the limp-noodle-I'm-not-ready-to-go thing. I
wasn't willing to keep giving her nightmares (they were pretty awful),
so ended up making her stay home a few times from things she wanted to
do. I explained that, since she would never leave when I wanted to,
she'd have to stay behind when I didn't have the time to deal with her
refusal to leave. She was about four when I did that. For her, that
worked better -- when I DID take her with me, I'd remind her that
whether or not she left easily when it was time to go would determine
whether she was allowed to come next time. (I also "invented" trips out
when DH could be home with her.)

All decisions have consequences, some if which may be unpleasant. A
valuable lesson for children (and some adults) to learn.

toypup...

My kids tend to do that if I don't give them a warning that we are going to
leave soon. If we just up and leave, they have a problem. Perhaps you
could let your son know about when you are about to leave, or after you do
X, you are leaving, so he knows what to expect.

Knit Chic...

What has worked for us:
1. Warning ... we give a 10, 5, and 3 min warning.
2. Saying good bye. We say good by to the swings at the park, to the water
at the beach, to toys at a friends house, etc. "good bye! See you again
soon! Thanks for letting us play on you!" to the swings and a thank you to
the friend who had us over for the afternoon.
3. If my kids decide they are going to have a tantrum when leaving I say "if
you make it hard to leave, we won't come back"

We have very few problems getting our kids to leave places w/ these tactics.
It's not always been that way, I remember when my now 7 yo would scream and
fight her way to the car when leaving the park. It didn't take long for her
to catch on to the new rules. It was getting so bad that I was avoiding
going out of the house w/ her .. and that's no fun for anyone.

toto...

Have you tried giving him a warning about 5 minutes before you
need to leave? Using a timer (kitchen timers can be carried in
a purse or bag) and saying *when the bell rings, we have to leave,
so finish up what you are doing* often helps kids to get ready to
leave places.

Barbara...

I'd actually use *several* warnings -- the first one amorphous (*soon*

The other thing you want to do is to use when then statements to
tell him what you will be doing after you leave. When we leave
grandma's, then we will go home and you can... play with your trains,
etc. Try to think of things he likes to do that give him an
incentive to want to leave.

Amy...

Give him prompts to help him transition from one activity to another.
Say things like, "Mikey, we're leaving in 10 minutes, start cleaning
up." Then, "Mikey, we're leaving in 5 minutes, start saying goodbye."
Then, "Mikey we're leaving in 2 minutes, get your shoes and your coat
on." Then, "Ok, let's go."

One problem I see with parents who use this is that they give in to the
pleas for "5 more minutes!!!" or they get distracted with the other
adults and the prompts become meaningless because they don't *actually*
leave in 10 minutes like they said they were going to. You have to be
disciplined enough to do what you said you were going to do, which
means that you don't accept that last cup of coffee or whatever if
you've already given the 10 minute warning.

It may also help if you give him something to look forward to during
his next activity. Rather than "We're going home!" which could be seen
as punishment (because he's having fun where he is, and doesn't want to
leave), you could try, "We're going home where we're going to have a
snack and then play with your favorite toy!" or "We're going home to
see Daddy!" or whatever. Help him to look forward to whatever's next.

Whenever possible, give him choices. "Would you rather go home now and
have snack or go home and play with your truck?" That way, you're
still getting what you want (he goes home) but you're also giving him a
choice, which will help him feel like he's in control.