preschool friend issue

Hi: I'm a long time lurker, and think everyone here has a lot of great
ideas....so I need your help.

My daughter is in a preschool program at my local day care. She
transitioned in January from her toddler class and has been doing great
since. However, the last few weeks when I pick her up and ask how her
day was she tells me that her friend "Jackie" hit and pushed her. It's
been almost two weeks of her telling me that. So, I finally asked her
preschool teacher what the deal is. Her teacher told me that "Jackie"
is a particularly aggressive kid and when she doesn't want to play with
my daughter anymore she'll hit or push. Apparently, my daughter isn't
getting the hint because she will return to play with her after she's
hit or pushed. The teachers try to keep them apart and try to
encourage my daughter to play with the other girls, but my daughter
only wants to play with "Jackie". So...now I'm worried...my daughter

Chookie...

Frankly, I'm worried about a day care where the teachers are making out that
it's your daughter's fault that another kid is hitting her. "Jackie" should
be supervised to prevent her from hitting people, just as a known biter is
supervised to prevent biting.

Ericka Kammerer...

I would agree that it's not exclusively
the daughter's fault that "Jackie" is hitting her,
but on the other hand, if the situation is as the
teachers have described, the daughter is playing a
role. Preschoolers are still acquiring a lot of these

Chookie...

It came across to me as an excuse for inaction by staff, but that might not be
the OP's feeling.

Ericka Kammerer...

I totally agree that the teachers have some
work to do here. If it was an excuse for inaction,
that wouldn't be acceptable to me.

social skills. While "Jackie" needs to learn it is
unacceptable to hit even if someone is doing something
she doesn't like, the daughter also needs to learn
when it's time to move on to a different playmate.
At that age, it's not like either situation is
morally superior. They each have some social skills

Chookie...

No, but learning not to hit is deveopmentally appropriate. Intuiting that
someone is bored with you and wants to get away is a skill that *adults* have
trouble with. It's a lot to ask of a 3yo.

Ericka Kammerer...

I should think that the teachers ought to
be working with "Jackie" to express that she's done
playing in more appropriate (and clear) ways, and
with the OP's daughter to accept that an move on.
I don't think the OP's daughter should be required
to intuit what "Jackie" wants, but apparently she
comes back even after being hit/pushed and the
teachers have explained that "Jackie" wants to
be done playing with her, so it seems the OP's
daughter needs to learn something too and it's not
*just* an issue of the OP's daughter not being
able to read minds ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

to work on, and it's the job of the preschool teachers
to help them learn those skills. The big difference
with the hitting is that there has to be close
supervision to avoid injury, and I would certainly
expect them to be doing that, but I don't think it's
inappropriate for them to bring up the daughter's
role in the problematic interaction.

Best wishes,
Ericka

is 3, is she too young to pick up on social cues, like when someone
just doesn't want to play with her? We keep on telling her to stop
playing with friends that hit or push and we've had a discussion on
what a good friend is, but I'm starting to think she's just too young
to understand this. Am I wasting my time? Should I just let them work
it out?

Ericka Kammerer...

What *should* be happening is that the teachers should
be treating this as a learning opportunity for both kids.
"Jackie" should be learning not to hit and push when she's
done and to express what she wants in a more appropriate
way. Your daughter needs to learn to respect others'
choices about whether or not to play together. This is
a very normal learning opportunity for this age group,
but it takes support from the teachers. They should be
working with them very closely to *teach* them appropriate
behavior, intercepting before the issue escalates to
pushing and showing alternatives. And, when there's
hitting involved, they really need to be close enough at
hand that they can prevent it from happening most of the
time. It sounds like they've got a well-defined situation
here. They know when this is happening and why. So
now, the question is what are they doing to teach both
girls more appropriate behavior?
In your shoes, I wouldn't go about trying to
convince her not to play with Jackie or have her as
a friend. It sounds like she's probably a fine friend to me.
I would work with your daughter on how to make *other*
friends as well, and what to do when Jackie is done
playing with her. You could role play alternatives.
You could set up some playdates with other kids in the
class so that she develops more of an interest in
playing with some of them. Most likely, she's just
glommed onto Jackie for some reason, and with the
new classroom she feels uncomfortable if Jackie isn't
playing with her, so she's willing to push herself
on Jackie when Jackie wants to be doing something
different.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Has anyone else had an issue with their child in preschool?

Thanks everyone!
Kerry in Boston