Does this learning issue have a name? Solutions?

DD2 is a bright, imaginative and mischevious 6 year old. She seems to
be having a ball in kindergarten and is due to start 1st grade in the
fall. Socially she is doing great, has lots of friends and I hear only
good reports from her kindy teacher (a woman I have little respect for
and do not regard as a very reliable source, btw).

Unlike her elder sister (in virtually every respect), DD2 has never
been very learning oriented and has always preferred fun and play which
is unchallenging and non "academic". She hates to be taught stuff (even
how to play a new game) and usually opts out of anything which is
potentially challenging or difficult. For the most part we have taken
the attitude of letting her be (or playing with us, or getting a head
start), and after passively observing for a while she will usually join
in when she feels more confident (often months later). Since she is
actually bright and very quick, she generally picks things up in the
end.

However, as she gets older it is becoming harder and harder not to want
her to push herself a little more. For example, I really want her to
learn to swim because I feel she is not safe in a pool with friends
even if myself and her dad are there, as she no longer wants to wear a
flotation device and feel like a little one. We have tried to teach her
to swim ourselves, but like with most things we have tried to teach her
, she almost immediately becomes upset refusing to continue and storms
off crying. We have tried all the positive reinforcement in the world,
saying only encouraging things and praising everything, but it is as if
she is holding herself to some unattainable perfect standard and cannot
bear to fall short. I have now given up on teaching her and hope to
persuade her to go to a swimming class this summer, in the hope that
someone else will succeed better than us.

What worries me more as she prepares to start school is her attitude to
academic knowledge which is always to say that she does not know or
understand and often to refuse instruction. For a long time we thought
she didn't know numbers (1-10), and began to wonder if she was dislexic
or had a learning disability. She has foam pads with numbers above her
bed and to this day if her dad points and asks her, she recognizes a
few and will say 'I don't know' to others. Yet I have observed her at
other instances (if I make her dial a friend herself to invite her
over, for ex) identifying numbers well.

bizby40...

Many kids refuse instruction/advice, etc. from their parents, or even
while their parents are there, and yet do fine away from home. If
you've asked this specific question of her teacher and have received a
positive answer, I'd relax. You don't say why you don't trust her,
but most teachers are pretty quick to point out uncooperative
children.

I am constantly looking for ways to introduce her to knowledge in a

Chookie...

You are coming across to me, and very possibly to your daughter, like an
educationalist on a project. Even what ought to be a cosy, cuddly, relaxing
bedtime story is "to support their English language development". Maybe she
doesn't want to be your project. (Do you "research" art materials and dolls'
clothes with the same vigour with which you researched the math-mat? Do you
initiate and join in her art activities the same way you did with the
math-mat?)

Also, while you've *said* that you support her imaginative play, your original
description of it was that it's unchallenging and non-academic -- to me, and
I believe to you, those are not complimentary words.

I'm guessing that your daughter interprets your attempts to prepare her for
school as attempts to mould her into someone more like yourself -- ie, she
feels that you slightly disapprove of her the way she is. Now you might
already be saying that this isn't true, but it's how *she* perceives things
that we need to understand. You've also said you're an overachiever, so
perhaps your concern about academics is more obvious to her than you think --
especially given that she's an intelligent girl who is (I think?) good at
perceiving other people's feelings.

lisabell_98...

I dunno, maybe, but I think it probably just comes over that way
because I focused on the educational aspects in this post. It's not

Chookie...

But how is it all coming across to your daughter? *Could* you be sending the
message that her dolls, dancing and artwork are (as you said) unchallenging
and un-academic, ie, bad?

like we do educational stuff all the time, or most of the time, even.
We're really pretty relaxed, and the girls have lots of physical play
time, playdates, and just watch tv quite a bit too. Bedtime is
definitely cosy and cuddly, even if the reading is in English. And by
the way, for us, supporting the girls English is not an educational
goal but a communication necessity since their dad, as well as a large
proportion of their extended family on both sides speak only English.

Chookie...

What I mean is that the bedtime story isn't only a time for togetherness -- it
has another purpose. It's part of a formal English Hour. It's a time to be
*taught*. Do you see what I mean?

less formal and instructional way, since she seems to hate that. I
still don't seem to be getting it right though. A while ago I bought
her a Math mat game which I thought might be a more fun way of
practicing numbers in play. At first she didn't want to even try it,
but in the hope that success might build her confidence and interest, I
promised a reward for trying. She did absolutely fabulous - nailed
19/20 on identifying numbers on her first try and got a big hug in
addition to the promised reward, for doing it (i tried to play down the
importance of the result and focus on the fun factor). But when I asked
if she would like to play again, she refused and ran off crying
hysterically. Needless to say we have yet another white elephant in the
house.

I just don't quite understand exactly what her issue is and I feel
helpless to help her through what seems to be quite traumatic for her.
She will not talk about it, either. I am afraid that when she enters
school things could get a lot worse, since she will be constantly asked
and tested, and if she doesn't get my pick of the three teachers
available, the attitude might not be an especially gentle one.

Any ideas, pointers and advice welcomed.

Ericka Kammerer...

Just my hunch, but I don't think this is a learning
issue at all. You just have a kid who isn't going to
perform on command and who doesn't want to be taught things
by her parents (hope you weren't planning to homeschool her ;-) ).
Relax. In all likelihood she'll do just fine with other
teachers. She just doesn't want to have that relationship
with you. It may also be the case that she's feeling
some kind of subtle pressure from you, perhaps also
having to do with her sister. She's probably a perfectionist.
Just lay off her and let her find her way with her other
teachers. When you can, choose her teachers well so
that they won't be too heavy-handed with her, but she'll
likely do well regardless.
You are going to have to sit back and realize
that you are not going to do all the "fun, educational"
things with this child that maybe you did with your first.
You will probably even have to modify your response to
her successes. I bet if you make a big deal of her
successes she runs off as well. Make a big deal out of
her successes at school or other activities and you'll
be shooting yourself in the foot. I know this seems
abnormal and counter-intuitive. You would think kids
would be most comfortable learning from their parents
and experimenting in front of them, but some aren't.
You think you're short-changing your child if you don't
do all these educational things with her, especially
since you probably did them with her sister. But it's
okay. She'll learn and will likely do quite well in
school as long as you back off. Stop pushing the
educational stuff at home. Betcha she knows it all
already anyway. Make sure you treat her as an
individual, and not just like her sister.
Does her sister enjoy these sorts of things,
and is she good at them? DD2's differentiating herself
from her sister and making sure she doesn't come out
looking behind by comparison. Try to get her to be
like her sister, and you'll just ensure that she
fights back with everything she's got, and pretty
soon she'll refuse to achieve all together, rather
than just achieving "in private." Remember, she
doesn't compare herself with her sister almost two
years ago. She compares herself with her sister
*NOW*, and in her mind, she can't compete and win,
so she's not going to compete at all. Let her do
that at school, where she's with her age peers and
she's going to come out on top. Just because you
see behaviors at home that you think would be
problematic at school doesn't mean she does those
things at school. School is a *very* different
place, with a completely different dynamic. Just
relax.
As you might guess by this point, I have
one of these kids. At 11yo he's very successful,
but he still doesn't want either of his parents as
teachers. (He doesn't have an older sib, so worse
yet, he compares his achievements with *ours* as
adults!) We just give him the space to do his
thing and he does very well. Don't fall into the
trap of thinking you have to do things with her
because that's what a good parent does or because
that's what you did (to great effect) with her
sister. Go ahead and hire things out. I'm sure
as heck hiring out swimming lessons. My son won't
necessarily perform on command at extracurriculars,
so it's important to choose teachers there who are
willing to be patient with him while he warms up.
He's smart, though--he knows that extracurriculars
are optional and school is not, so he performs as
needed at school.

Banty...

I completely endorse this. My son is a bit like this, and I was a bit like
this. Also, parent's expectations can, for all their efforts to be otherwise,
be a little fraught and heavy. A teacher, on the other hand, has "seem 'em all"
and that makes for a more comfortable learning relationship.

Other kids, on the other hand, are more relationship-oriented and the relative
emotional closeness of a parent makes them feel better.

I hired out my son's swimming lessons for sure - private individual ones, at
first, since he was afraid of the water when young, then, aware of his relative
inexperience, afraid of not keeping up with peers when he was older!

Most of all, think how much of this is what you envisioned your role as a parent
was supposed to be, and what dissapointment you may be having. Don't let it get
in the way of a beneficial relationship with him. Be the parent he needs, not
the one you thought you were going to be.

Best wishes,
Ericka