Strong preference for one parent - advice needed (X-posted)

We have a 4 1/2 year old daughter, P, who has always shown a very strong
preference for me (mum). I have never been her sole carer since I went back
to work when she was 5 months old. She is regularly looked after by Dad and
most of the time she deals very well with him when I'm not there. She is in
fulltime childcare and has always enjoyed it and has great relationships
with her regular carers there.

I have loads of experience working with kids and have always dealt well with
kids in general. DH had not had any contact with children and had a steep
learning curve when she was born. He has done really well though and is a
very good dad who is totally prepared to do what is needed and is very much
a hands-on dad. We have very few people we can call on for help as my
parents are elderly and all our other relatives are completely disinterested
or live too far away. I have relied on him to share the load as she can be
very full-on at times, especially at the end of a busy work day. We take
turns reading stories each night and doing the tuckin duties. He looks after
her and gives her dinner one night a week when I work late. He picks her up
from childcare five nights a week.

For a long time it hasn't bothered us too much that she was so mummy focused
as we thought it was sort of natural that she identify more with me, and I
am certainly much more relaxed with dealing with her (although she can
frustrate the heck out of me!) and can often deal with what she wants a
little more easily but it is starting to hurt his feelings. Some examples
are:

1/ Tonight (and on many nights) she wouldn't give him a goodnight kiss and
told him casually on her way out of the room that she would kiss him
tomorrow, even though we were sitting next to eachother and she'd just given
me a big hug and kiss.

2/ She spends a lot of time drawing elaborate pictures of the two of us but
never includes a drawing of him.

3/ She really hurt his feelings earlier tonight when she wouldn't let him do
up her buttons on her PJs and when we had a little conversation about how
Daddy liked to do nice things for her and it made him feel good to help her
because he loved her, she made the comment "I want a different Daddy".

4/ She is extremely affectionate to me and says to me often "I like you
Mummy" which to her is more important than I love you. DH tells me he can
only remember her saying it once or twice to him. I feel very very sad about
that.

It's so many little things, like when she wants mummy to do something even
though dad is there and offering to help and I'm tired and grumpy and going
"Just let him do it!". He really gets quite rejected by her at times with no
real reason. We hear "I want Mummy to do it!" all the time. I don't think I
do anything to encourage this and I worry that if we don't do something to
nip it in the bud then it could lead to them not having a close relationship
in the future and/or (more importantly ;-)) me having to do all the child
rearing because I'm the only one she lets into her life.

cailleach...

This must be sore for your poor husband! And hard work for you, too.

My thought is, that maybe it would help if instead of both parents
doing all the same things with her in alternation, split the tasks and
have some (pleasant) parts of her day that she *only* does with her
father. Maybe giving her a bath, or reading her bedtime story, or
whatever else she enjoys, could always be your husband's job. Even if
she complains at first, you keep right out of the way until they get
used to it. And maybe start up some outings or activities that she only

bizby40...

Be prepared though, that you could make things worse. My daughter
completely rejected her father. I finally had to put my foot down and
just insist that he take over some duties because I was too exhausted
to do it all myself. It did not get better over time. Night after
night was a horrible struggle, and it did not improve their
relationship. Might have harmed it for all I know.

gets to do with her father.

That way, she gets to love her parents as individuals, and not just see
Daddy as a kind of inferior version of Mummy! And you get some space
too :-)

All the best,

Is this just a really extended phase? How do I stop this from continuing? Is

Ericka Kammerer...

Probably.

there anything I can do? Are other parents experiencing this?

Ericka Kammerer...

Probably the best thing you can do is stop
reacting to it (both you *and* him). You're the grownups
here. You have to be able to take a step back from this
and not take it personally or as an indication that she
doesn't love him. I suspect that every time you urge
her to show the same attention to her dad, it actually
works to encourage her not to do it. Just imagine the
amount of control it gives her to be able to do this!

Staycalm...

I actually don't usually react to it. I mostly do ignore it and let them
deal with it. I do tell her to kiss Dad goodnight when I'm taking her off to
bed - just as DH tells her to give me a kiss. I do not go forcing her on her
Dad beyond what comes under showing good manners or sharing. However absent
I make myself from her immediate environment when she's there with her Dad
nine times out of ten she will follow me round the house. I am very
experienced in working with children and do not give over control to her.

DH, on the other hand, finds it hurtful and has trouble seeing that what she
says at 4 is not necessarily anything more than an ego-driven statement of
the moment. I'm trying to encourage him to interact with her more at her
level rather than being caught up with doing the practical things like
eating, getting changed, good behavior, etc.

Ericka Kammerer...

I think most parents go through this at some
point or other. Your daughter may be taking a bit
longer, but I don't think it's at all uncommon.

Best wishes,
Ericka