SAHM? (and dads, of course!)

For those who might be around both, I had posted a little while ago about
having some sort of help around the house as far as daily life goes (ie,

bizby40...

Well, then, I apologize to Rich. I had noticed things turning in that
direction, and the post was bubbling up within me :-), and then Rich
had the bad luck to be the first to be really blatant about it. His
point may have been that it's unfair to say being a SAHP is harder
than a WOHP (which I'd agree with), but what he *said* was that it's
easier being a SAHP than a WOHP, which I feel is equally unfair.

putting dirty dishes in the sink, picking up dirty laundry, toys, etc.) and
that doesn't seem to be helping.

Now, though, this all brings me to a question for any who might be in a
similar situation, or might have been at some point...
I'm currently a SAHM. Gave up (or maybe it's better to say I took a break
from) my career with child protection about 6 months before DD was born and
have been at home ever since.
DH works full time as a framer (as in building houses). DS1 is 6 and a
half. DS2 is 5 and a half. DD is almost 1. We're expecting DD2 in
October.
For any moms and/or dads that stayed at home with the kids, did your DH or
DW come home from work at the end of the day to either comment or imply that
you surely must do absolutely nothing all day long? My days are currently

bizby40...

Yes, absolutely. This post is going to be very negative because being
a SAHM has been a big strain on my marriage, so before I start I'd
like to give the standard disclaimers that this is only my perspective
based on my experiences, blah, blah, blah.

I think there are some men (spouses) who just don't "get it". DH
would come home and only see what I *hadn't* done. If I scoured the
kitchen, he'd comment on the bathrooms, if I scrubbed the toilets,
he'd see that the vacuuming needed done. If I had what I considered a
really good day, where I was actively involved in creative fun
pursuits with the kids, he'd be angry that I'd gotten "nothing" done!
I'd run myself ragged trying to please him, but just wasn't capable of

Tori M...

I think things here get tense because Jeffs mom is a natural cleaner. She
is just good at it. She likes everything nice and neat and even when I have
the house here acceptable to me it is a mess to her. I have slowly gotten
Jeff to help Panic clean but he wont help with anything else, you know, the
landlord is coming in under an hour and we didnt know for sure he was coming
til he called or you saw him in the yard.. lol. He just kicks everything to
the side most other times. If I could finaly get the kids room clutter free
that should be the easiest room soon since it will JUST have toys and a bed
in it. the cloths are going in the dresser in the closet with a nob lock.

Ugh and reading the OP reminded me my vacuum is clogged and I need to unclog
it to vacuum.

Welches...

I don't think dh even realises that toilets have to be cleaned :-)

Jeanne...

Okay, two days sounds like it too much. But 8-10 hours should be
feasible, right?

doing it.

Over time it got worse instead of better as he developed a "king in
his castle" attitude. He doesn't think he should have to clear his
own place at the table because he works all day. He doesn't have to
help with dinner or cleanup even though he's home, because he works
all day. If he's out of beer, I have to run get it because he works
all day. He's also slowly taken more control of the money as time has
gone on

It doesn't help that someone will always weigh in with, "But he *does*
work hard all day! I always made sure our house was clean, the toys
were picked up, and the kids were fed and quiet before my man came
home!" More power to them if they are capable of that, but I don't
think they get it either. It's not that I expected him to come home
and put in another full day of work. I thought it was fair that the
house and kids were my responsibility, and Lord knows I *tried* to do
what I could to make his life easier. It was that the more time went
on, the less we felt like a team, and the more it felt like master and
servant.

dragonlady...

I'm sorry your relationship suffered so much when you became a SAHM. I
just wanted to comment on this line.

I remember telling DH at one point that it was beginning to feel like
the kids and I were a family that he sometimes came to visit. I think,
even when you are NOT married to someone with a "king of the castle"
attitude, when you are home full time with kids and the other parent is
out during the day, it's really, really hard to continue to feel like a
couple, and like you are a team raising the kids.

We got through it (I really did manage to marry one heck of a a guy --
he may not be king of his castle, but he's a real prince), but I wanted
to echo that it is sometimes hard to continue to feel like a team when
one of you spends so much more time at home with the kids than the other.

Would leaving the house a disaster one day work on your husband? I
don't know, I know it would just have made DH angrier. And leaving
for a weekend to let him see what it was like taking care of the kids
all day didn't work either. He just said, "It's easier for you
because they're used to you." I personally think that if your husband

Welches...

My response to that is that they need to get used to you too... you
obviously haven't spent enough time with them. (No it doesn't get a great
respose though)

I personally think that if your husband

won't take your word for it, if he finds it acceptable not to respect
you and to think the worst of you, that trying to make him see isn't
going to do any good. But I know that people have claimed that
certain things opened their husband's eyes, so who knows?

Welches...

I also think it could backfire on you. Dh just doesn't notice certain things
and I can imagine the response of "it was really easy-I can't see how you
make it look so hard"
and you thinking: "the washing's still in the machine, the children have
snacked on sweets and chocolate all day without a proper meal, playdoh has
been trampled into the carpet and the bathroom floor in 6" deep in
water...."
Debbie

I wish I had some better advice for you, but in my case, I don't think
there is anything I could have done to stop the downward slide other
than going back to work. I do wonder if the advantage to the kids of
having their mother home was worth the disadvantage of the damage done
to their parents' relationship.

Sorry to be so negative, and I hope your situation isn't as dire.

Irrational Number...

You really must sign up for a two-day weekend class
and let DH take care of the kids and the house for
the entire weekend.

Don't worry, the kids will NOT starve, even if they
don't eat as well as they normally do. The house
will be a disaster, but they will survive. Do NOT
leave things ready, like food or whatnot. Make things
like what they would have been otherwise.

Do this soon. ;)

toypup...

This reminds me of when I just had our first child. Everyday, DH would call
and ask what I did all day. I'd tell him I was cleaning and watching the
baby. One day, he called and asked me what I did all day and, "Don't just
tell me you were cleaning and watching the baby." He then started asking me
*that* question everyday. I started going back to work. The first Saturday
I worked, he had to take care of DS. The first thing he did when I got back
was hand a crying, screaming DS to me. I asked him, "So, what did you do
all day?" He looked at me exasperated and said, "What do you *think* I was
doing all day?" He never once asked me what I was doing all day after that.
In fact, he tells his coworkers about how his poor wife has to take care of
the kids all day. :)

sha68...

When I stayed at home again after our last child was born he seemed to
have forgotten the previous time I stayed at home with the children,
granted it was more difficult back then due to the ages of the girls
but it was very much like starting over again, not from my side of
things but his ideas of what I now did.(my partner does no housework or
childcare but will do maintenance around the house)

So I had to use gentle reminders of what I do, going out for the day
was not really an option because the older children are old enough to
be given chores such as cleaning the bathrooms or making a giant plate
of sandwiches for lunch so roughly once ever 4 to 6 weeks I take a day
off! I am careful not to make it to regular but random I take the
complete day of from the house from the moment the kids leave for
school. So although I have done breakfast and the usual leaving the
house routine I don't do any housework from then, apart from looking
after the little one. We then go have a fun day, lunch with family or
friends or a day at the local swimming pool, anything we fancy
basically.

The great thing about this is my daughter and I have so much fun during
those days because we have no time contraints, she has my full
attention and isn't having those times during the day I am juggling
loading washing,hoovering, washing windows etc and trying to entertain
her.

The other plus side comes when my other half comes home and although we
usually go out the house isn't too trashed but noticable enough even if
i have been know to tip the odd toybox out (afterall i'd only have to
do it all later or the next day ) but not as usual and the meal not
made and dishes around, He will always say now after about 8 months of
this 'oh day off day? ' shall i make something for dinner or get a take
out or i'll put the kids to bed have the whole day off' or something
along those lines.
Now when he comes home on a normal day he doesn't ask me what have I
being doing or sniffing if i haven;t quite finnished but he asks 'how
has my day been?'

He says this with genuine respect and interest which after all is all
I wanted from him.

We now have a mutual respect for what our days intail and it has helped
us personally so much.

The reason I do it reguarly is my partner is very much a sieve and
things that he doesn't feel the need to remember just don't get storage
space in his life for long,so a gentle reminder without anger or bad
feeling is so much better. And even if he did remember we enjoy our
days so much that my daughter and I don't want to give them up.

The silver lining as well is the older girls have more respect for me
and my 'jobs' too

Total win win for everyone!!

This may not work for everyone but i just wanted to share a positive
result to this problem because before i started doing this i was
starting to get annoyed before he came home from work expecting a
negative attitude from him and that was just not healthly for our
relationship. This is a problem imo that has to be sorted out somehow.

Sharon
UK

spent making meals and snacks, picking up toys, rounding up and doing
dishes, I think I pull the vacuum out 4-5 times a day, on average, and
finding things to do during the day has been, lately, fairly rough due to
the insanely gross-hot temperatures lately. I find I cook, clean, entertain
and basically try and keep some sanity around here all day and night, of
course. Basically what seems to be the case for every parent that stays at
home with children. My daily goal, it seems, is to try and keep the house
in the same basic state it was the day before, and getting ahead while the
kids are around is nearly impossible, as far as cleaning goes. I just try
and keep it the same as it is, but I find every couple days, the house
slides just a bit with clutter and things.
If I do manage to do some major cleaning during the day, DH does comment
about it out loud. It's basically like, "Wow. Looks good in here!" On the
days that it slides, he doesn't say it out loud (anymore) but definitely
implies that there's an obvious disaster, and quite frankly, I'm tempted to
do exactly what he thinks I do all day long - absolutely nothing.

I was at a bridal shower for my cousin's girlfriend on Sunday, and someone
brought up that joke about how a husband comes home from a long day at work,
sees the house has basically been ransacked and thinks that they've been
broken into - every room in the house is turned upside down, dishes are all
over the place, there's toys and clothes and everything EVERYWHERE and he
runs in calling to find his wife upstairs laying on the bed reading a book.
He says, "What happened in here?" and she calmly says something like, "Oh, I
just did exactly what you say I do all day long - absolutely nothing!" I'm

dragonlady...

I think I prefer the response I heard: "You know how you always ask me
what I do all day? Well, today I didn't."

actually tempted to do just that. Has anyone been pushed to the end and
actually tried that? I'm feeling that I'm about at that point to just do
nothing all day long and see where it goes. I know there'd be dishes about
the house, Cheerios all across the kitchen floor, most likely crunched and
smashed, toys and dirt everywhere.

Has any SAHP actually sat back for a day and do nothing at all? I'm just
wondering if it would, at the very least, allow DH to realize that I don't
sit around picking my nose all day and that if I really do nothing, as he
figures I do, it would be a total disaster in no time at all, or if it would
backfire on me and leave me with a lot more work to do in the end. Oh, and,
of course, DH has outwardly said that he knows he could do a better job
maintaining something around here. I nearly busted a gut laughing at that
one...

dragonlady...

I never did that (though on days when the kids were sick I didn't do
much around the house), but didn't have a problem with DH not
understanding what I'd done.

I would recommend what we often told mothers in the Mothers of Multiples
Club who were having a problem with spouses who didn't understand why
they were not coming home to a spotless house and a hot meal now that
their wives were home all day with "nothing to do": we suggested they
take a Saturday and leave the house at the same time their husbands
usually left for work, announce that they'd be home at the time their
husbands usually came home, let him know what there was to cook for
dinner -- and make sure there was at least a short list of other things
he'd have to take care of during the day (a few loads of laundry, for
example.) Don't do ANY of the things you would normally do -- including
getting kids dressed or making beds or even making breakfast; leave it
all for him. Those who did it reported that their husbands often would
end up calling their mothers (or someone else) to come over to help, or
they'd get home to a total disaster. (Which does make more work, but
they said was worth it.) The majority of women who did this reported
that, for at least a while, their husbands were much more appreciative
of what they managed to accomplish during the day.

My DH WAS home one day a week with our oldest when she was tiny. (I was
supporting us, and went back to work 5 days a week when she was 6 weeks
old; he was in graduate school, and took Fridays off so she'd only have
to be in care 4 days a week.) Since he'd done one day a week alone with
one child, he was actually pretty much in awe that I could do every day
with 3 after the twins were born, and would tell other fathers who
complained about the amount of housekeeping their wives didn't do that
he figured that if the kids were alive at the end of the day, I'd done
my job!