What do you do when a 3 1/2 year-old looks at you and says "yeah, yeah, yeah?"

No, he's not a Beetle. He's being irreverent. I tell him to put away

toypup...

When DS gets an attitude, I tell him to go to his room and come out when he
can be more pleasant. He comes out within a few minutes and appologizes and
then he's very nice. Of course, this doesn't work with everyone. DD hasn't
given me attitude yet, but I think she's a different beast and it wouldn't
work on her, although I'd probably try.

I tell him to put away

Chookie...

You mean disrespectful.

his things or I will take away a priviledge and he looks at me like I
won't. I do, of course, and then he turns on the water works. His dad

toypup...

When it comes to putting away toys, I usually, ask the kids for help and
they are more than happy to do it. I do it with them, but that's fine. DD
is younger, so I'll ask her to put specific items away. I did that with DS
when he was younger. He's good at picking up a disaster zone now.

I'm not really into complete neatness, though. The house can look cluttered
until the maid comes every other week or we have guests, so we only pick up
about once a week. That sounds bad, I know, but we're happy living like
this.

I do, of course, and then he turns on the water works. His dad

Chookie...

Depending on what you're taking away, he might not even get the connection.
I've found it easiest to say "Let's tidy up the toys" or whatever. If it's
together with you, and you haven't left it for a week :-), he will find it
fun. Also, link less-pleasant chores to pleasant things: "Let's tidy up the
toys and then we can go to the park." Corollary is that if he drags his feet
or refuses to help, you don't have time to go to the park.

will threaten him three, four or five times before he follows through,
or else he thinks of something else at the spur of the moment, so I
think I know who's responsible for our son not taking us seriously.

Caledonia...

I think, frustrating as it is, that this isn't a problem resulting from
DH's behavior, but is in large part due to your son being 3.5yo.

My kids are not great at 'putting away their things,' but they are
amazing helpers, if I'm working with them. (In other words, I need to
put away the newspapers, and they can help by putting away the toys in
the playroom -- I think framing is everything.)

What type of priviledges do you take away? (I think we lead a
less-than-priviledged life here.)

toypup...

DH did that for a while. It really made it hard to keep DS in line. I let
DH do things his way, because I thought he should learn how to deal with DS
on his own, but apparently, he wasn't getting it. I finally told him to
stop, and he did, and things got better.

Jeff...

Actually, he is acting like 3 1/2 year old who understands the rules you
set, apparently better than you do.

I don't think that either of you is at fault or blameless. You need to

Jeff...

Just talk about what happened during the day with the other parent, with an
eye towards catching such transgressions. Once you figure when your child is
doing this, you can put a stop to it.

Plus, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out.

Finally, when a child asks a question that might have been asked before (can
I have a bag of M&Ms? or can I play with Charlie?), just ask, "Did you ask
[mommy | daddy]"? If the child says "no," make a mentral (or written) note
of it, and compare notes later on. Or, say, "Let's go check with [mommy |
daddy]." And do check with dear spouse, ask [him | her] if it is ok that
d[s|d] have a peice of candy or go play with the neighbor kid? You can even
do it subtly, so that the child doesn't know you are ckecking up on him. For
example, you might say, "I don't know. Let's see what mommy is doing," or "I
don't know, let's when dinner is going to be."

Jeff

understand that the child understands the rules and will play the rules like
a fiddle. You and your husband need to use your backbone. When either of you
says, "Please clean up the toys," and he doesn't, you need to make the
consequences clear to him, "Clean up the toys now, or you get a 4-minute
time out." And if he doesn't clean up the toys, he gets a 4-minute time out.
No ifs, ands, or butts.

He's also learned to play us against each other, and I find that also
infuriating. If I'm dressing him in his pajamas, he'll suddenly cry out
in pain and act like I've hurt him. It's made me really feel like

toypup...

Can you let him dress himself? If he drags his feet, I found a timer helps,
or just let him sleep in his day clothes. You could do something fun every
night, like read a book, but you can't read a book if it takes too long to
get dressed. The book is a good incentive for our kids.

following through, but I've been able to restrain myself so far. But I
also feel like I have to explain myself to my husband! he says he
understands, but I'm not entirely sure. This isn't fair. I'm trying to

Chookie...

Sounds to me like you don't trust your husband to either look after your child
or to believe that you are a good mother. Your son has picked up on this and
is working it for all its worth. It is bad for your marriage and it is bad
for your child. If there are problems, get them sorted out. In particular,
you need a few basic rules eg ALWAYS uphold each other's discipline in front
of the children. If you are going to disagree, do it later on and in private.

be a good mom, and my son's really playing a mean game. I wish I knew
what to do! Any suggestions?

Caledonia...

I don't think it's a mean game -- it's frustrating (do you say, "when
you do X, I feel really frustrated because..."?), but I don't believe
that he's scheming just to make you feel bad.

I'm the truly Mean Mom, and give time outs (to me, also -- I also get
angry) only when it seems truly worthwhile for the person to remove
themselves from a situation and get a handle on it. Not picking up toys
doesn't warrant a time out (my 3.5you couldn't completely clean up
everything), but it does mean that, geez, we're out of time and can't
do X because I have to get more actively involved. My X's aren't also
priviledges, they're our SOP (e.g., board games, or time spent dancing
to music) and yes, sometimes they're cut because we're out of time (due
to dawdling toddler/recalcitrant big sister). Sometimes they're cut
because we were stuck in traffic. Stuff happens.

I've found (but this is just me, and my kids) that my kids are expected
to do certain things, and no, they don't always do them, but if we (the
parents) have to do them, it's a lot less fun for the kids. In other
words, instead of you dressing him for bed, why doesn't he pick out
what to wear, dress himself, and if this happens quickly, they'll be
more time for...whatever. Does that make sense? [I think my
perspective, though, is one where it'd be a *lot* trickier for my 3.5
yo to put everything away than for her to dress and toilet herself, so
I'd be more inclined to pass the 'dress and toilet' responsibility to
the kid.]

Chookie...

Your son is 3.5. You are bigger, smarter, and older. What is he getting out
of his behaviour? Work out why he's doing what he's doing and you are well on
the way to solving the problem.

Jeff...

Again, he is acting like a 3 1/2 year old. You really need to talk to his
dad and explain what the kid is doing. The otherwise, the kid will continue
to run the house.

The reality of the matter is that the kid will play you whenever he gets the
chance. He will push your buttons. And, especially when he gets older, he
will play the both of you. If he wants a candy, he will ask you. If you say
no, he will ask dad.

The only way this sort of thing will stop is if the two of you stick
together and make a united front. If this is the case, he will learn that
when one of you says "No!", then both of you say "No.' Otherwise, when one
of you says, "No," it means, "Go ask [mommy | daddy]!" And when he does ask
one of you, and you say "no," and then asks the other, you need to have
consequences so that when one of you says, "no," he knows not to even ask.