listening, staying on target

I'm so tired of asking my three-year-old son the same question more than
once, or having to tell him multiple times what he needs to do. Even

toto...

What kinds of questions are you asking? Are you interested in
the answers or is this a way of getting him to do something you
want him to do?

Anonymama...

If it's something I want him to do, I don't ask a question! No, I was
thinking along the lines of "do you want to do [this] or [that] today?"
or "would you like a snack?" or (and this one's optimistic, I know) "do
you need to pee?"

One thing that we have done with my 3 year old dgd, is to say,
do you want water? yes or no. She usually responds well to this,
but if you leave off the yes or no, she seems to get distracted and
not know what to say.

Anonymama...

Yup, that's what we do. "Do you want juice or milk?" not "What do you
want to drink?

At this age it may help to rephrase questions as choices between
two obvious things rather than asking open-ended questions.

putting on his socks can take five minutes of trying to get him to "stay
on target," as we say. First I have to get him to pay attention to what

Nikki...

It does sound kind of typical for a 3yo. Both of mine were like that at
3yo. I will say that of my two boys (now 4.5 and 6.5yo) one is *way* worse
about this thing then the other. It is the 6.5yo that has the trouble. He
does have something mild going on. He has had some testing done and I
suspect he has a mild auditory processing disorder. He seems super
inattentive at school this year as well. It is hard to know what is going
on at such an early age but something is. At 3yo it wasn't the above that
stood out but his other language skills were behind.

I'm asking him or telling him to do, then he needs to follow through on

toto...

This is pretty normal at this age unless the activity is something
he really *wants* to do. If he can put on his socks all by himself

Anonymama...

Good to hear.

and likes to be a *big boy* and do things himself, you can try
a timer. He might enjoy trying to beat the timer and you can say
*wow, that was fast* when he does it. If you don't have a timer,
try a song on the CD player. Can you finish before the Sesame
Street theme is over?

it. Without multiple reminders things just don't get done; without being
asked several times, questions don't get answered. Not only can this get
frustrating, it's really, really, boring.

stasya...

My almost 4 yo dd who almost everyone agrees is quite bright and verbal
etc etc etc is quite like this. I have done what you've done, given her
one chance to do something, and she won't quite remember or it doesn't
sink in or whatever....I wouldn't worry about it. Since your ds is
only 3, I wouldn't expect much more than that. I've seen kids in dd's
playschool who barely acknowledge that someone is addressing them, let
alone being able to follow directions or answer questions.

toto...

Ask fewer questions. Make the questions you do ask ones
that he wants to answer. Do you want a cookie, usually gets
a response. Do you want broccoli might not.

Anonymama...

Actually, the chances are just about equal.

Anonymama...

Just not answer, even though I'm sure he heard and understood. Sometimes
something like that will definitely get his attention, but other times
he'll just keep on concentrating on what he's doing.

Lately I've tried telling him things just once. It doesn't seem to work.

toto...

It will work, but you have to take action.

For example, ten minutes ago I told him that before we could go to the
coffee shop (which he loves, and wants to do today), he had to put the
toy he was playing with away. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him
again, and that he should come get me when he had done it. I suspect
it's going to be a long wait. It isn't that he'd rather play with the

toto...

Well, that just means you don't go to the coffee shop. Eventually,
he will get it. At three, though, I wouldn't expect this level of
behavior from a child.

toy -- it's just that it didn't sink in.

toto...

Because you will go anyway?

Anonymama...

I don't think so, and we didn't.

Rather than saying before we can go to the coffee shop, which
is too flexible in terms of time, say *when the buzzer rings, it's
time to put the toy away.* And, help him put it away rather than
trying to insist he do it on his own. You may have to take him
to the toy shelf with the toy. (You may not have to if he has a
specific time - when the buzzer rings - in which to put it away)

We know to break things down into little steps and ask him only one
thing at a time, so that isn't the issue. He doesn't have a hearing

Nikki...

Yes, one thing at a time and make sure he gives you some eye contact first.

Anonymama...

Any tips on making eye contact? I know the standard advice is to be down
on his level, use his name, speak gently, and if need be to gently hold
his chin, but he'll still look away and pretend not to hear me if he's
in one of those moods.

Nikki...

It could be that he just doesn't *want* to listen to you at those times.
I'm not sure how I'd deal with that. Luke will actually just keep repeating
"don't talk to me" over and over so we both know it is impossible to listen
to what I'm saying. Very frustrating. ;-) If he really has a hard time
making eye contact for some other reason then orneriness then I'm not sure
what the strategies are. I know one (much older) boy that has real trouble
with eye contact. He *is* listening as long as you've done the other things
so while eye contact is a sign Hunter is focusing on me it isn't for some
kids if that makes sense. This boy I know becomes so flustered if forced to
make eye contact he actually doesn't concentrate nearly as well on what is

toto...

Eye contact can be *very* difficult for kids on the autism
spectrum. The amount of information in faces is simply
overstimulating.

It might be possible to think of this as *cultural* If you
ever worked with Asian children, you might have seen
that they *look down* rather than meeting your eyes
when they are listening to you because that is a sign
of respect in their culture. If you have a child who has
difficulty with eye contact, you may want to see if he can
concentrate in some other way.

This is the first study of the way autistic people's brains
react to eye contact. It may be that we need to restructure
our way of interacting with these children until some way
of changing this is found.

being said.

One common tactic is to have the child repeat back to you what you said so
you know they have heard. Hunter really hates that so it doesn't work for
us but you might give it a try. I also had to make a concerted effort to
only give one directive at a time, two as he got older. I was really
surprised at how hard one directive at a time is. It isn't natural for me.
'Get your coat and wait for me' is two things. He'd do the waiting but not
the getting his coat. When he was 5yo I was great for things like, 'We are
going for a walk, if you want to come, get your bike and helmet.' Hunter
would mostly just stand there and when we turned to leave assuming he didn't
want to come, he'd cry. I think he was still trying to figure out what the
heck I said.

At 3yo you probably also need to be right there to help him follow through.
It is frustrating. My son isn't physically hyper so that was a real bonus
for us at 3yo.

Anonymama...

Yeah, I guess that's just something I need to accept. I'd like him to
have the same follow-through on boring things that he does for his own
projects, but maybe that'll come with time. (Or maybe not, I certainly
don't have it!)

Nikki...

Well Hunter is two years older then his brother and he is way behind him on
being able to do this. It *is* getting better though. I've tried lots of
different things. I guess the one area of improvement is that sometime in
his 6th year given enough time he will eventually get something accomplished
(like brush his teeth and get his jammies on). That is a real routine and
so he'll get it done. Picking up toys, getting ready to leave the house,
etc. He rarely does that without me being there to keep him focused. His
4yo brother doesn't have much trouble with it so I really think there are
various degrees of 'normal' and I think Hunter is a bit outside the range of
normal. At 3yo it would be really hard to say for sure but it seems like
this might be one of a few things that are going on for you guys. Good
luck!

toto...

In your example, though, you didn't break it down into little steps.

Anonymama...

Oh, that was just my writing. In real life, it was a one-step process,
clearly spelled out.

You gave him an open-ended task - put the toy away before we
can go.. and you expected him to then come and get you after
he put the toy away. So there were too many steps to follow for
his age.

problem.

We have photos of his morning routine on the wall, which helped a bit as

toto...

Photos are helpful. Do you go over them often so he understands
them? It doesn't help to just have the photos up, if you don't use

Anonymama...

Oh, yes. He has them memorized. He likes to say "time for step four!"
because I'd numbered them, even when he's not lookint at them.

them frequently to show what is going to happen next.

far as that goes.

Any advice? He's going to be evaluated for ADHD-type behavior in a few
weeks, if that's relevant, but I think this is pretty "normal" (although

Irrational Number...

DS#1 gets speech and occupational therapy
and the center says that it makes no sense
to get ADHD evaluations at age 3. They
would not give one even if the parents
request one.

to a lesser degree) for his age.

SCC...

I have a 12 year old and a 9 year old, and boy that sounded just like
both of them at 3 years of age, and what I would expect out of typical
child in that age bracket.

Three years of age is too young to really evaluate ADHD, since some of
the test, such as patterning skills, are just really being developed at
that stage. Was this test recommended by your pediatrician? What
prompted the request for the test? As I found out with my older
child, there are the rare (and thankfully so) teachers that will push
for an ADHD diagnosis, when they feel that they cannot properly handle
the child's behavior in a classroom environment.

There are two factors you really need to consider: emotional and
intellectual development, and sometimes a child is ahead
intellectually but not emotionally, which leads us as parents to expect
more out of them before they are really ready.

Stephanie...

I am curious about this ADHD testing at 3yo. My ped indicated that there is
precious little to test for until 6 ore 7 at the earliest. So I am curious
about what other bodies of knowledge are out there.

That said, it sounds to me like what your son is doing is completely normal
for this age in almost any degree. I think saying put that toy away and come
get me when you are done is to expect that the toy will never get put away,
and if it does a new one will come out and be played with for a while and he
will completely forget about the coming to get you part. And this would be
precisely what I would *expect*. I think if he put the toy away and came and
got me, I would fall on the floor.

shinypenny...

Well, even if he was old enough to be tested for ADHD, I'd have to say
it seems to me the child has no trouble paying attention and staying on
target. He is just staying on target with what *he* wants to do - not
what you want him to do!

As others have already said, this is definetly normal for this age.
Bear in mind that children this young have little concept of time.
Remember when you were young, and summer seemed to drag on endlessly
forever, but nowadays it's gone in a wink? For your child, when you say
"5 minutes" he has little concept of what that means. "5 minutes" can
seem to him like two hours to you.

Also this is the age where he is busy doing what he needs to do,
mastering what he wants to master and should be mastering. So maybe
getting his socks on is just not on his current developmental to-do
list. Maybe he's being driven to master something else entirely right
now - playing with that toy. Play is how children learn and master what
they are supposed to be mastering at any given point in time.

Of course this is probably little consolation if you must get out the
door each morning by a certain time. I realize that, and I recognize I
was fortunate back then to be a SAHM and not need to go anywhere. I
recall this stage fairly well: I gave up trying to get the kids out of
the house at any set, routine time each day. I was glad I had the
option not to. Instead, I just let them follow their own instincts and
if playing with a toy was more important and taking up all their
attention and focus, then I learned to be patient and just let them
play. I waited until they were bored and ready for a different sort of
stimulation. That's when I'd take them out to do the errands and stuff,
and they'd be much more receptive and easier going on the trip out.

It is true some kids that age thrive on routines, and parent-led
agendas. Not all do. My DD#1 did not. I learned quickly to relax and go
with the flow of her own agenda. In preschool one of the teachers
suggested she get tested for ADD. Today? The teachers and pediatrician
all laugh at that... no way does she have ADD. It's true that often I'd
worry she had a hearing problem or at least a highly selective one that
just didn't want to listen to her mom. And she did indeed have hearing
issues early on (fluid in her ear), but even after that got cleared up,
she has cont'd to this day to be a selective listener as well as an
absent-minded daydreamer. But she grew up just fine and she's doing
very well today. She's got plenty of attention for things that she is
curious about, interested in, and that ignite her imagination.

Thankfully these days I can say, "Want to go to the mall?" and instead
of ignoring me she's got her shoes and coat on in 30 seconds flat....
that's what happens when they become teens. ;-)

My only advice to surviving this stage is to possibly consider
compromising with his agenda a little bit more, instead of asking him
to follow yours. But I don't know if you have the luxury to do that?
Maybe you work and need to get him to daycare by a certain time?

If not, if you are a SAHM, consider rearranging your usual routine. If

Anonymama...

I am, most of the time (I'm a WAHM 1 - 3 days a week).

he seems more likely to get caught up in play during morning hours,
then try running errands in the afternoon instead, or even at night or
on weekends without him. I did this for several months around this age
- yes, it was a sacrifice but better than daily power struggles and
frustrating scenes. For social contact during that period, we simply
hosted playdates instead of struggling to get out to them.

Anonymama...

Oh, it's an all-day thing. But the responses to this thread have been
helpful, letting me know that it's perfectly normal. He's my first and
he's unlike his peers in many ways, so it's always good to hear that
other kids do the same thing. I'll work at picking my battles.

This needn't go on like this forever - it may just be a phase and in
another 3, 6, 12 months, it too will pass. Definetly by K; most kids
by that age are easier in this regard (which is one reason why K
doesn't start until age 5 or 6).

Anonymama...

Good perspective, thanks. A lot of his behavioral problems have toned
down in the past month or two, and he's definitely maturing.

toto...

At three, I would not bother evaluating him for ADHD. He sounds
very normal for three.

Anonymama...

I probably shouldn't've mentioned the ADHD-type behavior, as it seems to
be distracting people. I don't think it's related, but just wanted to
give some context. Obviously he isn't going for the evaluation just
because of this one issue.

Do:
Ask once. Then act. If he doesn't answer, assume he has made
a choice. You may want to ask things like *do you want to walk or

Anonymama...

Good way of thinking of it. Thanks for the other tips, too.

have me pick you up to go in the car* If he says nothing, he's chosen
for you to pick him up and take him rather than walking on his own.

Also, three year olds have no sense of time. Use physical props
like egg timers, music cds, etc. And use sequence of events
rather than 5 minutes (unless you set a timer). We will go when
you finish one puzzle or one drawing.