Positive affirmations for kids?

We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is
affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief
in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they
are fun.

Chookie...

It is not a crime to be slow to warm up to new things, and pushing the child
will usually be counterproductive. One of my children was like this at 2,3
and 4. I chose to say things like, "When you're ready, you can play with the
other kids," and left him to make his own decision on when to act. DS1 is
now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much hesitancy in
doing anything!

Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being
hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad.

Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in
himself and his abilities"?

Chookie...

It would have to be very frequent before I took it as genuine lack of
confidence.

* If it is something he has done before, ask if he can remember what he did
last time, and show/help him again.
* Explain that things become easier to do with practice, and poit out
examples in his own life where this is so.
* Ask him to try doing X first by himself, then you will help him if he gets
stuck.
* Check that you aren't expecting too much, eg most 5yos cannot tie their own
shoelaces.

These are things that have helped DS1 to keep trying -- but again, I would
never have said he truly doubts himself. He does tend to be a
perfectionist/lazy, though!

Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to
increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward or
does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?

Ericka Kammerer...

By all means give it a try, but I'm not all that
optimistic that it will work. I think that self-esteem
ultimately only comes from working and achieving success.
If you've got a child whose temperament is to avoid new
things (I have one of those), it can be a very vicious

Rachel...

Yes this is DS.

cycle. They don't try, so they don't succeed, so they
have even less confidence the next time around. The
not trying becomes a habit, so it becomes even harder
to screw up your courage to try the next new thing because
your habit of avoidance becomes ever more ingrained.

Rachel...

This could be DS too.

Since this sort of thing is often associated with
perfectionists, it's exacerbated in that they tend not
to perceive their early efforts as successful enough
(because they're not instant experts at everything)
*and* they're even less likely to buy your assurances
that they're doing well. It becomes a very tricky
sea to navigate.
Personally, since I believe that you have
to accomplish things to develop self esteem, I tended
to be more action-oriented with this. I would nudge
him into doing activities with lots and lots and lots
of support. Keep the focus on the trying and praise
for trying (it won't really work, but it's better
than feeding into the problem by praising only for
success or, worse yet, remonstrating for not doing
well enough at it). Choose activities very, very
carefully, and choose instructors even more carefully.
One of the best choices we made was dance at a school
where the teachers were really wonderful with
shy students and genuinely enjoyed the kids. It
really helped my shy kid transform into one who
was more comfortable taking some risks, because he
had a very supportive environment in which to try
new things.

Rachel...

I try to encourage his efforts, e.g. if he comes to me wearing
one sock and holding the other. I say 'great, you put a sock
on by yourself'. I don't say 'why didn't you put on both socks'.
I try to model enjoying the taking part whether or not you win
the game. Even so, he does very easily get disheartenend.

Ericka Kammerer...

If he's a perfectionist, they tend to be like
that. Unfortunately, it doesn't just go away as they
become older :-/ The trick is to teach coping skills
so that they don't get to the point where their
perfectionism prevents them from having a fulfilling
life. It's a very tricky line to walk. Push too
much and it will backfire. Assume it's just their
way and allow them to back out of everything and
their world will shrink in on them. Timing is important
too. What is too pushy at 3yo may be not
encouraging enough at 8yo. All you can do is be
really mindful, really careful about any negative
talk, and do your best to stay on the tightrope.

Best wishes,
Ericka

The positive affirmations certainly won't
hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you
say so that even in your everyday conversation you're
not saying things that he could interpret as implying
that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.
In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you
say if they can't back it up with what they can
see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable
(or even if you have him affirm that he is strong
and capable), he's not going to really *feel*
strong and capable until he's surmounted a few
obstacles.

Rachel...

I see what you mean. Self-confidence has to come from
within and is cumulative.
Thank you for your insight.

Rachel

dragonlady...

It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially
about them being lovable.

I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's
boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing
so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a
loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son.

I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like
this all his life.

His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was
all his (the son's) fault.

I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their
kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they
are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to
know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER
knew how to behave and was easy to get along with.

I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell
your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is
unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and
there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was
disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their
future, and that they'd be OK some day.

WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are
unacceptable human beings?

Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....

Stephanie...

The book I am always yammering about, "Discipline For Life, Getting It Right
WIth Children" talks a lot about the three areas of self esteem (existence,
acheivement and mistakes) and how important it is to have strong esteem
around existence. She also talks a lot about anger without distruction and
contructive criticism, though that is not what she calls it. I cannot
remember what she calls it.

It really is a good book, says Steph the broken record.

Rachel...

Thanks, Steph, I'll look up the book.

Best wishes,
Ericka