5 year old - sleeping habits

In the heat of the moment...

My 5 year old sometimes has problems sleeping through the night. She
complains she just wants her mother and that she is scared. However,
when her mom is working nights, shes fine and doesn't give me any
problems.

My wife is home more often than not and this leads to many nights where
my daughter just wont sleep through the night. Usually I'm the one
putting her back to bed. Its driving me nuts and there have been a few
nights when I don't get any sleep.

I don't reward the behaviour by letting her go to her mom *ever*, I
always put her back into bed but tonight I additionally told her every
time she gets up, I'm going to take away a toy. So she got up, and so I
did. And she got up again, so I did again. I feel really bad for doing
this. I dont know whats causing her behaviour and whether I'm punishing
her for something *I'm* doing wrong :(

What can i do?

0tterbot...

guessing a little bit because i don't know your exact situation.

i'd try firstly, letting dd know the night-waking & carry-on can't continue,
because everyone is getting too tired, therefore it will have to stop but
you'll all work together on stopping it. (i've always had success with my
sparkly new rules by letting everyone know first, & why the rule is
necessary, & getting them on board - it creates success).

u.int.32.t...

We've tried this many different ways. Gah, its so frustrating.

you may be able to divine why she prefers mum but doesn't mind if mum's at
work & you're ok to go instead, but really you're better off to stop the
problem rather than get involved in playing-off who goes & all that. if
there are "noises", find out what they are & reassure her. if they are just
random fears, address them (anti-monster spray, or more goodnight cuddles,
or a change in her routine if there's some sort of problem there, etc).

u.int.32.t...

Thats the thing, I don't think shes actually scared of anything. I
think she just doesn't like to sleep alone. I think if I go in there
every time she cries and cuddle her, she will cry more because thats
like positive reinforcement for a bad behaviour. I don't want to give
her any negative reinforcement (again) for the behaviour because that
won't actually fix whats wrong (whatever that is).

if you & dd are into star charts for good sleeping, just go for it. make
sure all her encouragement is positive - you're right that "punishing" her
for it just makes misery (in this case, yours, because i suppose you know
it's just not going to be effective because it's too unrelated to the
problem.) she might even benefit from mum putting her to bed, letting her
know seriously before leaving that you are both there for her if there's
really a problem, but that there shouldn't be problems (you will have
addressed that earlier) & going back to sleep is going to be the best thing
for everyone. note and praise all the nights she doesn't wake, to confirm
for her that waking everyone up is less rewarding and appreciated than
sleeping through. give her the opportunity to talk about the problem without
judgeing her.

u.int.32.t...

Star charts? What do you mean? We always do praise her whenever she
sleeps through the night.

is it a reaction to mum working at night sometimes? could the answer be as
simple as knowing which nights she's there & which she won't be, or perhaps
knowing more about what the night job entails, and why she goes? something
like that? has anything changed recently?

u.int.32.t...

Now that you bring up change... My mother was visiting for about 3
weeks and just left. This behaviour has been really intense since then.

Ericka Kammerer...

Sometimes you can make change work in your favor.
When you've got a bad habit going on, one way of creating
some space to substitute a different habit is to shake up
the usual routine substantially. What if she went on a
little vacation to stay with a relative while you and your
wife went on a little vacation of your own? With *neither*
of you there at night, maybe she'd put together several
nights of sleeping through and keep it up after going
back home. The relative could make a big fuss of what
a fun time they were having and institute some fun
routines that perhaps you could continue back at home
to help the transition--maybe a special stuffed animal
or blanket to sleep with or a picture of Mommy and Daddy
for her nightstand, or something like that. If you've
got a handy relative who'd be willing, it surely can't
hurt.

Best wishes,
Ericka

lastly, it's ok and good to apologise if you have been wrong. when (if?) you
return her toys, consider it an opportunity to talk about what you all as a
family can do instead, so that everyone can get enough sleep but nobody is
upset.

u.int.32.t...

Done and done...> kylie

I hope tonight goes better. I didn't sleep at all last night
(literally). I though this only happens when theyre teeny weeny babies
:( Today it was all I could do to not fall over!

Wish me luck!

kylie