Tantrums vs True Emotions

Oh, DD has turned 18 months and the tantrums have started. If I take
something away from her or I don't allow her access to something she
wants, she turns into a little ball of fury. I don't give the tantrum
attention. But sometimes she gets really upset over things that I
think are legitimate fears. For example, when dada leaves the house,
she gets hysterical. Is this a tantrum or is she just genuinely

Cathy Weeks...

My daughter is/was a tantrumer. And we handled it differently at
different ages, because the reasons for the trantrum were different at
different ages.

Cathy Weeks...

because of an inability to communicate her needs or wants, and it was
just an overflow of emotion. She started talking at 18 months and was
pretty much fluent by 2 years of age, so her tantrums of this sort were
tapering off by then. I would guess that the overflow of emotion is
what is going on with your kiddo, even when it comes to not getting her
way.

I handled it by not giving her what she wanted (which was obvious), but
by sitting next to her, and patting her back. Her tantrums ended
quickly. It was also the case that a tantrum was her only way to tell
me she felt strongly about something. So in the case of overflowing
emotions, I felt that being nice to her, but not giving her what she
wanted, was the best way to go.

When she was 2.5 - 3, her tantrums were much more of a manipulative
technique, so we handled it by either walking away or putting her in
her room and closing the door. The worst of this was her screaming -
if she didn't get what she wanted, she'd look at us with narrowed eyes,
open up and let out the banshee scream that actually was painful it was
so loud. That started at age 2.5 and reached it's peak by about 3. It

L....

This gave me a chuckle because DS started doing this recently. I can
tell immediately when it's just temper or reactionary because there are
no tears. I usually shush him, and tell him to go in his room if he
wants to scream. I have also found myself saying "Oh, STOP! There's
nothing wrong!".

Today he was playing - having a fake tantrum over some goldfish
crackers- he started "faking" making a fuss, and then stopped himself
and said "Oh 'top! Nut-ting wrong!" I cracked up! I think he is
starting to realize we are on to his game....:)

wasn't a hellish 6 months because it was pretty rare in the beginning,
and we never actually *gave* in, we just never made it worth it to her
to stop. Right about her 3rd birthday, we realized that a) we were
afraid to take her out in public and b) we had to put our foot down
because we were having more and more trouble holding our tempers and
were afraid we might start spanking her, which is something we don't
believe in. So we started a VERY strict method of counting and time
outs - If she didn't hear us doing the counting because she was
screaming, that was her problem (we held up fingers, too). So she
found herself in her room with the door shut for 3 minute time outs, a
whole bunch for about 2 weeks right around her third birthday. After
about 2 weeks, we noticed that the behavior was drastically lessened,
and after 2 months it had stopped altogether.

She's 4.5 years old now, and she still throws tantrums occasionally -
but I try at this point to figure out why it's happening and address
each one as needed in whatever method seems the best.

Now, all this said, you might say that if we had nipped it in the bud
early on and always walked away from her, we might not have had
tantrums during the following 3 years. But I tend to think that each
child is different - some throw tantrums, and some don't. I've known
parents who handled things pretty much the same way we did, and didn't
have tantrumers, and others who did. I've also talked to parents with
multiple children, and they had different levels of tantruming with
each of the different kids, despite using similar techniques on each
kid.

Cathy Weeks

concerned that dada is never coming back? I can't ignore this, it

toypup...

When I say share my tears, I don't mean literally (okay, I wouldn't do it
literally, either). I mean I wouldn't share my problems with her. My
emotions are under control to the point that I don't care to share my
problems with her, because our feelings weren't important to her. I would
never let her know I was upset or worried or anything. It sets a precedent.
How I interacted with her as a child affects how I act with her as an adult.
There's a whole dynamic that is set. That is my point.

Jen...

Kids just take a while to sort things out in their heads - Daddy's gone, but
it doesn't mean he's gone forever, he's just gone to work for a while.
Maybe it might help if she saw where he worked, and what he did there. It
might help her sort it out.

breaks my heart too much. I pick her up, comfort her and tell her that
dada is just gone to the store and he'll be back soon. Am I sending
mixed messages? I ignore her if she's upset that she's not allowed to
play in the office but I comfort her when she's upset that dada has
left. Any thoughts?

Aula...

These don't sound like temper tantrums, but more like the beginnings of
learning to manage separation anxiety and emotions. Have you tried warning
her about upcoming separations? Things like telling her, "Dad is going to
go to work for a while now. He will be home in time for diner. Let's say
bye-bye" and everyone gets to say a proper goodbye a short time later [five
minutes later, max]. Then, when she does become teary, acknowledge her
feeling with something like, "You look like you miss Dad. He will be home
in time for......" and then diverting her into an activity [just like they
do with kids at day care after they are dropped off and start crying at the
separation]. It is important to help her become able to predict events
reasonably, understand that life has predictable aspects, that she will have
feelings, labeling those feelings, and teaching her what to do with them.
This is one of your biggest tasks for the next one or two years, at least.
Enjoy!