Giving a card to new baby and mentioning decessed brother, What's your opinion?

My husbands Nephew and his girlfriend had a baby a little over a year
ago and he passed away at 3 weeks from complications from having
trisomy 13. They now just had a new little baby who seems to be
perfectly healthy.

My question is, would it be alright in mentioning their first son in a
card to their new son. I was thinking of saying something along the
lines of how lucky new baby is to have his own personal guardian angel
in heaven to watch out over him as he grows.

Chookie...

Unless you *know* that jibes with their beliefs, don't say that. I haven't
lost a child but I think all that guardian angel stuff is saccharine nonsense,
and would hate to receive that sort of message. It is easy to write what
comforts us, and not what would comfort the recipient!

I would add the line, "A little brother for N," and leave it at that.

I guess I've heard before how people will often not acknowledge a baby
who has passed on and the parents feel like others don't remember him.
So I thought this might be another way to say that we still remember
their first son but I don't want to upset her either.

What do you guys think.

hemulen27...

I think it may depend on the individuals involved but I was in a
somewhat similar situation recently - my cousin had twins about six
months ago, one of who died just a few days after birth. Obviously, I

Shelley...

That must have been so hard for them. Talk about conflicting emotions.

dragonlady...

When my twins were small, that was something that would give me
nightmares.

I can't imagine how one deals with grieving the loss of one baby, while
celebrating the life of the other.

I know it happens, and that people survive it -- but I don't know how.

Obviously, I

wanted to send them something to let them know we were thinking about
them but wasn't sure quite how to phrase it. I finally decided to just
keep it simple: the gist of it was that we were glad for their good
news, sorry for their sad, that we were thinking about them and to let
us know if there was anything we could do for them. I think you can
worry too much about offending people or saying the wrong thing when
most people will realise that your intentions are good and, in any
case, probably have more important things to worry about than a card. I
do think you're right, though, in that many people would try to gloss
over the sad events (perhaps understandably) but I'm sure the parents
will certainly be thinking about it and would be glad to know that
others are too and that their first child hasn't been forgotten or
airbrushed out of history.

Personally, I would steer away from talking about guardian angels and
the like because I'm not religious in any way and it would make me
uncomfortable (no offence!) but I guess you know the people involved
and would know how they were likely to react to that sort of thing.

Shelley...

You know, I'm not religous either but for whatever reason, that's how I
think of their first baby. Maybe I'll just keep that to myself for
now.

Shelley

Welches...

I wouldn't mention it in the card as more than "congratulations on your
second son". I'm not sure I'd even do that, as it could imply a
"replacement".
If you could phrase it in a tactful way, then you could let them know that
mourning the first son at this time is normal, and they're not being morbid
thinking about it.
I've had correspondence with someone who is pregnant after losing their
first, and it has been comforting for them to be told that it is normal to
mourn at this time, and acknowledging that each stage is much harder for
them to go through it all again, even with a "normal" baby. But I'd put it
in a separate letter that they can keep separately from the card.
I wouldn't go for the guardian angel unless they'd talked about it first.
Debbie

Shelley...

This seems to be the consensus so that is what I'll do.
Shelley

darth_breather...

The other reason to keep it separate is for the sake of the kid
himself. If his parents keep his congrats cards for him to see when
he's older, it might make him later feel he was a replacement.

Shelley...

Good Point

Shelley
Mom to 2 boys (4 and 1)