Activities for a shy kid

My almost 3 yo is a very shy kid in public. She's more reticent than
shy actually. She doesn't like to go to new people or answer to
greetings or simple questions like what's her name etc. She's also
quite content in her own comfort zone. She doesn't usually try anything
new no matter how fun it appears to be.

Chookie...

For example, she got an invite for a birthday party of her classmate in
her preschool. For two weeks she talked about going to the party.
Finally when we went there, she was all tears and wanted to go home.
She didn't want the jump houses, the slides (she has gone to the same
exact place before. It's not the first time). She begged me to take her
home. I explained to her that all her friends are having fun. So it's
okay, she should try it. I, albeit a bit forcefully took her to the
bounce house and slide, did those along with her. So after 5 times
sliding with her, she finally saw the fun in this and started being
happy again.

If I don't push her to do anything new, she's quite happy to sit out
and watch everything. At the same time I don't want her to see mummy as
too pushy. I would like to know of any activities or classes that will
get her out of her shell more often. Not just for this age, but as she
grows older too.

Rosalie B....

My mom has said that she was shy as a kid, and she said that I was shy
as a kid, and my oldest was a bit reserved too. We are all quite
pushy and assertive adults. I think oldest children are often a
bit this way because of the family dynamic for oldest children. I
don't see it as a bad thing that needs to be addressed.

My oldest was in pre-school (as was I) but we didn't do that because
of shyness.

toto...

This website might be of help to parents of shy kids

Other things you might do:

Peer involvement. Several authors have suggested treating
shyness and withdrawal through peer involvement (see
Rosenberg et al., 1992, for a review). Such efforts might
include involving shy students in cross-age tutoring programs,
creating opportunities for them to play in pairs with younger
children, enlisting peers as confederates to draw out
withdrawn children, and involving them in small group,
cooperative classroom activities.

I think for a parent of a preschooler, the more opportunities
you can make for the child to play with one other child or
with a very small group, the more her shyness will ease.

You can also try directly teaching them social skills. You can
use puppets or role playing as well as talking about what
happens in books with characters who are shy. Talking
about what a child can do in social situations that make him
anxious may ease that anxiety.

Shy children may also need time to *watch* before participating
in activities. If you sign up for a class, try going to one just to
watch first, then when you do sign up, go early and have the
child get used to the room or watch the class prior to hers in
their final activities.

grandma Rosalie

Penny Gaines...

I've got a child who was like this at 3yo as well.

We didn't push them to join in with things, and we had a minimum
number of extra activities. They went to pre-school, though.

The best thing for them was to do activities with the same set
of people. So the actual activities matter less, but it was a bonus
that they did pre-school and swimming etc with the same other
children.

As they have got older, they have got less shy, although they still
prefer to watch for a while before joining in. The only other
factor is that they do not like to have the same range of after
school activities that other children might thrive on. We insist
that they do one a week: my other children would like to do several.

Chookie...

Well, I think life is what gets you out of that. If she goes to preschool,
and to other activities with you, she *is* socialising. DS1 was similar at
this age. I didn't push him to run off when I visited; I just said, "Stay
near Mummy until you feel like playing," or something like that, and after
five minutes of acclimatising himself to the new place, he'd be off playing
with the other kids, and I wouldn't see him again until I looked for him (or
he hurt himself). But he *needed* the breathing space to collect himself.

Come to think of it, most of us do. We just have social niceties that help us
do it. We come in, greet the hostess, ask where to leave our bags/coats, then
step into the lounge room where the other guests are.

Now he's nearly five, I'd love a bit more reticence from DS1!

Please suggest activities for kids like this for any age. I heard just
about anything from ballet classes to debating clubs. I'm curious if
anyone has any tried and true things. Thanks.

Ericka Kammerer...

I don't think there's anything tried and true because
all kids are different. My eldest was quite reserved and
slow to warm up to new things. I just got him involved in
activities. At 3yo, pretty much all he was doing was
preschool 3 days a week, and that certainly helped a lot.
At five, he started some things like ballet and soccer.
Ballet probably was one of the best things for him, but
it took a while before he was fully participating and
took some moral support from having his brother in the
same class. If I were in your shoes, I'd consider a
nursery school/preschool program. A good program will
have teachers very experienced with this sort of thing,
which is more than can be said for a lot of other types
of activities.
As for other types of activities, the real key
is finding something you think she'll really enjoy that
is run by someone who is very good and won't push her
or embarrass her too much. That could be found in nearly
any sort of activity, but isn't guaranteed in any particular
one.

Best wishes,
Ericka