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Why have kids?
7 Feb 2006 17:03:37 -0800
misc.kids
previous
Mike...
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Hello All,
I am 37 years old and have never wanted children. My loving hubby of 5
Circe...
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Oh, I agree that it's a huge decision and that it's not an issue that should
be forced on either partner. By the same token, however, I don't think that
just because a couple agreed to have/not have children when they got married
means that either one of them has to stick with the initial agreement if
they change their minds. I know a fair number of people who thought they
would have no children who later mutually decided they wanted children. I
also know a fair number of people who thought they would have children who
wound up not having them, again by mutual agreement.
All I'm saying is that when one party changes his/her mind about something
previously agreed, the OTHER party shouldn't necessarily be ASSUMED to have
the upper hand in resolving the conflict.
Ericka Kammerer...
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I'd say that the person probably has the moral high
ground as the one who's keeping the agreement. It's just that
it doesn't *matter* very much in practical terms. If both agree
to no children, and then one's heart changes and he or she
Circe...
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Our school serves a neighborhood where family vacations that require taking
a child out of school for a week or so are fairly common. As a result, the
teachers have gotten pretty good at putting together independent study
contracts and work. I'm sure they don't ENJOY it, exactly, but they do seem
to have it down to a pretty decent science at this point. And if the child
completes the contracted work, then the absence is considered excused (and
the school gets paid as if the child had been in attendance), as long as the
absence is for five or more days.
I think it's kind of funny in that the policy actually encourages you to
take your kids out for longer so that the school gets proper funding. Our
spring trip this year begins when school is still in session, but my kids
wouldn't have to miss five days for it. Still, given that the school would
get no funding at all for the days they HAVE to be out, I'm planning to pull
them on the Monday of the trip and do an independent study contract for a
full five days rather than leave them in longer and short the school its
funding.
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really wants children, it's not like there was deception in
the beginning or the person is just being a PITA now. So,
it doesn't really matter who has the moral high ground. It
just matters that there's a problem in the marriage and *two*
people have to be committed to working through that issue
and coming to some sort of resolution both can live with.
There is also an obligation to the child-to-be-or-not-to-be
to ensure that a child only comes into the marriage with
two parents completely committed to parenting, so you can't
resolve the issue by dragging the reluctant spouse into
having children willy nilly. But ultimately, both spouses
have to come to a resolution that they can both live with,
or else the marriage is almost certain to founder--and if
-L....
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Not necessarily. Even if he becomes"obsessed" with a sport, you can
still teach perspective. Something some of the moos here never were
taught, evidently...
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Barbara...
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Yep; I hear that Sara goes straight for the 48-piece puzzles once he's
asleep. ;->
I do agree with you for the most part. But still, there ARE ways to
encourage your kids' involvement in activities that you're not fond of
without torturing yourself. Not every parent attends every game --
people carpool, drop off, and trade responsibilities with one another
so that each gets to do what s/he finds more interesting.
As someone else pointed out as well, these activities are also often
wonderful places to connect with other parents. Sometimes you might
actually meet someone you like; other times, you can glean information
that your child hasn't shared with you, or might not even know.
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it does, moral high ground or not, both parties are
equally responsible for being unwilling/unable to reach
a workable resolution.
Best wishes,
Ericka
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years agreed to no children when we married. Now after over 5 years of
marriage, he is beginning to rethink his position. Specifically, he is
concerned about what our life will be in our 50's/60's/70's when we do
not have children.
Penny Gaines...
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[snip]
One possibility is that he is looking at how his friends are looking a
after their elderly parents and wondering what we happen to you both
when you get to that age and have no children to look after you.
I mean IME most 50-60yos are OK on their own, but as they get into
their 70s and 80s they start to rely on help from others, sometimes
for big things, like arranging suitable housing for them, sometimes
just for little things like grocery shopping.
If this is the case, it is reasonable for you to start thinking ahead
now - its not a case of having the money to pay for nursing-home costs
(as an example) more for who will chose the nursing home, and keep
their legal affairs in order.
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Circe...
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Others have said that this is "not a good reason", but I'm not exactly sure
from what you've said whether his concern is having someone to care for you
in your old age (which seems to be the general interpretation from the other
posters) or whether he's really wondering whether he'll still be content
with his life in 10-20 years if he hasn't had children. The desire to have
children is so primal that it's very hard to explain RATIONALLY why one
wants them. I think it's a lot easier to explain why one DOESN'T want them
in a rational way. The problem is that just because one position is more
rationally justifiable than the other doesn't make the less rational
position WRONG!
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Nan...
Stephanie...
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What is the consequence of whatever the school considers an "unexcused"
absence?
bizby40...
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There is a limit as to how many absences a child may have
and still move up to the next grade. Our school code has
a number, but leaves the final decision up to the principal
(which can be appealed to the school board). So a child
that was out with a lot of unexcused absences could be
held back. A child that had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
that they had to pursue (maybe they were in the Olympics
for example) could work with the school to find a way to
keep up with the work and could still graduate.
On a day-to-day basis, students are generally not allowed
to make up work or tests from unexcused absences, and
that can of course affect their grades.
Chookie...
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This also sounds completely insane. What is the justification for that --
apart from forcing truants (who tend to be failing anyway) to fail by more?
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It tends to be more lax in the lower grades and more
strict in the upper.
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Circe...
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I don't know about other state school systems, but the California Department
of Education defines any absence for a reason other than illness, medical
appointment, bereavement, or a court hearing as "unexcused", even if the
parent has written a note excusing the child from school. Of course, parents
can always LIE and claim that an absence falls under one of the four
categories that is excused, but that is not exactly ethical.
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dragonlady...
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Automatic lowering of a grade, and potential suspension or expulsion.
I always thought that was weirdly amusing, especially when I had a kid
who was being truant. If you skip school, they punish you by not
letting you COME to school. And since your grade gets lowered even more
when you aren't there (and in at least one school the rule was that you
weren't allowed to make up work you missed for being suspended) -- if
you get off to a bad start, you can end up unable to pass your classes
by mid-October.
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As others have said, this is not a good reason to have children. I
have 3 children and there are no guarantees that any of them will step
up to the plate and 'take care' of us when we're elderly, and I
wouldn't place that expectation on any of them.
Circe...
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Not really. This planetarium at school is a mobile thing that they set up
and take down on a regular basis. I think the NOVELTY of the thing itself
was half the fun for the kids. My son had been to a REAL planetarium before,
too, but somehow, it was this mobile one that he went into with all his
school friends that made an impression on him. Plus, of course, I don't know
exactly what was taught each time. I couldn't have duplicated the MATERIAL
precisely in another planetarium, either.
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toypup...
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Yes, it's really an awful reason to have kids. My dad, who I think is just
as good a dad as I could have ever gotten, used to remind us all the time
that he took good care of us now so we could care for him in his old age.
It made me feel like he wasn't doing it all out of love (of course he was,
but there was that ulterior motive). If you aren't doing it all for love,
the kids will know it and possibly resent it.
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toto...
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This is not a good reason to have children.
You may want to point out to him that there is a significant risk
that you might have disabled children and that this would mean
Banty...
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Even if it were a regular planetarium, the experience is different between going
with a class, and going with family.
Jeanne...
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One of the things I regret about returning my daughter to her old
private school was that I waited too long. DD missed this trip because
she didn't go back to this school until after winter break. In this
school trip the teacher takes all the third year low elementary students
(e.g., 3rd graders) to the Smithsonian for the day. They plot out the
day before going (what museums and where to eat), take the Metro and
spend the day there.
Obviously DH and I also go to the Smithsonian with DD and DS - taking
the Metro as well to avoid the parking hassle - but this school trip
would provide DD a vastly different experience than an ordinary family trip.
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My son always like *both* kinds of trips. With me, he can concentrate on what
interests him; with his peers, he gets the enjoyment of sharing the experience
with his friends.
For his birthday trip this year, he wanted to go to Washington, D.C. Even
though that's his 8th grade trip this spring! We hadn't gone for several years,
and he wanted to do certain things at his own pace. Like the Air and Space
Museum. Then, on the class trip, not only can he relax more with his friends
and not feel as much frustration as the tours are herded on from his areas of
acute interest, he can be the man-in-the-know ;)
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that in your 50s/60s/70s you would still be caring for the child
who might not be able to help you.
Circe...
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Except that should have read "#3 is coming up on his FOURTH birthday". Must
have been a Freudian typo. I'm really not prepared for the idea that he's
actually going to be *4*!
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Circe...
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Wow, thanks! I always think it's considered a peculiar choice by most
people. I think it's a lovely name (as long as it doesn't get shortened to
"Vern" with the corresponding nasal tones!), but it's VERY out of fashion!
Of course, since we named him for my very much beloved father, whether it's
fashionable or not was entirely beside the point.
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Rosalie B....
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My niece had her first when she was 40. I'm not sure that the child
is quite right - I haven't seen him but my mom says he doesn't talk at
all and he is 2. Pregnancy and child bearing is significantly
riskier even in this day and age for older mothers
My dd#3 just had her third child and she is 38 almost 39. She almost
died during delivery (she had a C-section - the doctor said that he
wouldn't do VBAC which she had for child 2 without a lot of input and
records from her doctor in MD), and then had to have a second
operation afterwards because of some screw up with the C-section.
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It's not a good idea to have children in order to have them care
for you in your old age as life is not that predictable.
Rosalie B....
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It is also not a given that you will be ABLE to get pregnant and have
a child right away even if you do decide that you want to.
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I am the oldest of 5 girls and spent a significant portion of my
childhood/ teen years watching my younger sisters ( 7yrs, 10 yrs, 15
yrs and 21 yrs younger than I). I adore my sisters but understand the
amount of work involved and do not want to go down that path again.
Nan...
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This is an important issue you need to discuss with your husband.
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I love my husband but need some insight into how to convince/ negotiate
our original decision to not have children. Am I wrong?
Circe...
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I think it would be wrong to go into any discussion with your husband about
this issue with the intent to convince him to stick by your original
decision. I am not saying this means you HAVE TO be willing to change YOUR
mind and have a child(ren) to suit him, but you do have to accept that your
unwillingness to do so might wind up being a relationship breaker. I'm not
saying it WILL be; it's possible that your husband's feelings are not that
strong. But it's important that you go into this discussion with the desire
to understand HIS wants and needs, rather than with the desire to convince
him that YOUR wants and needs should be/must be his as well.
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Nan...
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Well, neither of you are wrong. But some heart to heart discussions
are in order. I can't advise you on how to convince him... that is
something only you can determine.
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toto...
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I don't think you are wrong, but I would hesitate to advise you on
what kinds of things will convince your husband that the decision you
made earlier was a wise one. You know him better than I do, so you
should be better able to figure out how to sway him to your position.
Rosalie B....
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Ask him, if he would be willing to adopt or foster a child. If he
would not, then it isn't just about having someone to take care of you
in your old age.
grandma Rosalie
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Would he be able to be a stay at home dad, if he wants children?
You might ask him to babysit for some kids and see how he feels
having done this for a while.
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Please advise,
-L....
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No, and neither is he. Having a child is one of the hardest things you
will ever do, yet one of the most rewarding. It is a HUGE committment,
and *nothing* prepares you for the level of dedication and sacrifice
having children takes. We adopted DS as a newborn when I was 40 and DH
46, so if you'd like to discuss the pros and cons of becoming "older"
first-time parents, send me an email - address in header is good.
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turniptwaddler...
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Well, why not have kids?
OK, I'm being a little facetious, but DH and I are wondering
at this from a slightly different direction. We don't feel
a "calling" to parent that cjr mentioned upthread - at
best we're somewhat curious. I'd like, in a general way,
to know what it's like to be pregnant, give birth, parent,
and watch someone grow - but I can't say I really want it 24/7.
DH is about the same - we both keep waiting for the other
person to make up their mind. ( This is, incidently, pretty typical
for us )
Also we do look at our parents, and think it'd be nice to be
where they are now - good relationships with independant adult
Circe...
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I'm not sure anyone is REQUIRED to counterbalance it, but it's certainly a
pleasure when someone does!
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children. I'm not worried about being cared-for - I can and do
save for retirement - but perhaps a bit about being lonely. About
reaching a point where we've travelled everywhere we could possibly
want to travel and purchased everything we could possibly want
and looking around and thinking "now what". Again, no
guarantees, but so far so good, people in my and my inlaw's
families tend to get along pretty well.
Time is, of course, a factor - realistically, if I want to
avoid the magic '35' cutoff, I should start trying now.
Any advice? Any ideas? I've been lurking here for <*cough*> several
years, so it's not like I have no idea what to expect. And I'm
aware that a lot of people will say "when in doubt, don't".
Circe...
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I'm glad if it helps you in some way. I really enjoy (for the most part) the
relationship I have with each of my kids, and part of what makes parenting
fun for me is watching them grow and change as unique individuals. That
means our relationships are always growing and changing, too, which means
there's rarely a dull moment. Oh, sure, I can look back on how they were at
any given age in the past and see how it was inevitable that they'd develop
in certain ways, but somehow, it's never as easy to look forward as it is to
look back !
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But I suspect that if we did have kids, we'd enjoy it - if
only because most people seem to.
Ericka Kammerer...
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Believe me, that can be a very inaccurate perception.
When they do anonymous surveys, a scarily high percentage of
people say if they could go back in time, they wouldn't do
it again even though they'd never wish their kids away once
they've got them.
turniptwaddler...
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Still pondering the rest of your post ( thanks! ) but
are these surveys available somewhere? The only "data"
Irrational Number...
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I don't think surveys will help... It is
impossible to describe what it is like to
have children to some who does not. Which
will you regret more in 30 years? Not having
travelled to every place you want to or not
having children?
-L....
dragonlady...
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If by "perspective" you mean, "what WE want to do matters more than
anything else," -- no, I don't think most of us ever learned that kind
of "perspective", and I sure hope my kids never do.
Banty...
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Yep. "Perspective", and committment and taking an endeavor seriously, do not
conflict.
It's not a crown to wear to assure oneself that one is justified in blowing off
an endeavor and the people associated with it. Lyn is just rationalizing.
Banty (moo moo! ;)
Nan...
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She's an Entitlemoo when it's convenient for her.
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darth_breather...
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Which would be "my esthetic sensibilities are superior to what I posit
your sensibilities to be" ?
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darth_breather...
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You may not - but your kid might.
At that point, you will have to decide to what extent your kid's views
on the subject are relevant, and how much you will accomodate them.
Barbara...
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Actually, that's not the point at all, so far as I'm concerned. The
point is that even if neither she nor her little *Skipperoo* give a
darn about the sport, there are other kids who do. And by having her
kid attend only when its convenient for her, she's screwing over those
OTHER kids. Of course, she apparently doesn't give a hoot about them,
because if they care whether or not their teammates make an appearance
(or whether they have a clue what they're doing when they do appear,
having missed games and practices when it doesn't suit Mommy to show
up), then they take it too seriously, and are obnoxious *Soccer Moms*
darth_breather...
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Given L's enthusiasm for sports, hopefully young Skipperoo won't be
within shouting distance of a soccer team. Or L may morph into a soccer
mom as her preschooler morphs into a 4th grader.
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(Obviously, those who argue that kids should show up can't be
*EntitleMoos* because an *EntitleMoo* would be one who argues that her
kid is so *speshul* that the rules shouldn't apply to him, that he can
show up when its convenient for him and his parents, and that the rest
of the team just has to live with it.)
Hey, EXERCISE is a necessity, but team sports are not. One has lots of
friends whose parents don't want to commit to months of Sundays at home
for basketball games. A lot of those kids play pick-up games at the
park, attend gym night programs, etc. But if you join a league, you
should come. If you know you can't come, don't join.
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dragonlady...
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Read for comprehension, please. I said "IF you thought homeschooling
was a good idea . . .Since you don't, it's not an issue."
-L....
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Which is a completely *false* statement, which I JUST explained AGAIN.
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dragonlady...
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That's fine -- but then don't sign your son up for sports, unless you
Circe...
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In our case, it seems to be a bit of both. The first time we did it, we got
a packet that included all the worksheets and other assignments that the
kids would have done during that week of class. There were also some
activities for him to do that would relate to the trip--draw a picture of
something you saw and write a sentence about it, etc. This was when my
oldest was only in kindergarten, though, so it might be different for a 3rd
grader.
Last year, I took them out of school for a trip, it was only one day before
the beginning of spring break, so we didn't get any independent study stuff
for that. And since there was little in the way of actual WORK going on in
school that day (as I recall, they had a Jog-a-thon fundraiser that day and
many class parties), there wasn't much for them to MISS that they'd later
have to make up in some way.
This year, I'm taking them out for the entire week before spring break.
That's actually an extra day or two over when we're actually getting on a
plane, but since the extra days allow us to go on an independent study
contract, I think it's ironically better for the school for us to take more
time off rather than less. I'll be interested to see what they come up with
in the way of independent study stuff for both my first grader and my third
grader.
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Circe...
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Yep, I completely agree. I try very hard to arrange all of our trips in such
a way that we don't take the kids out of school at all, but this year, it
couldn't be avoided for a number of reasons. That said, I think taking them
out the week before a long holiday break is logistically easier for the
teacher to work around than taking them out at other times. Although I don't
regret the trip we took the year my son was in kindergarten, he missed 8
days of school in late September/early October and I really believe that it
interfered with his ability to settle into the classroom routine after he
got back. It wasn't that he was behind on the WORK, per se, but that he
chafed more at the structure when he returned than he had before he left. It
was a mistake, at least in that sense.
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Circe...
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Well, I don't know about rich versus poor districts (our district can't be
classified as EITHER, since the demographics of its schools vary widely),
but it certainly penalizes schools with at-risk populations. I know for a
fact (because it was been discussed in our school's site council meetings)
that absenteeism is a much greater problem in the schools that serve the
less economically advantaged neighborhoods than it is in those that serve
the more advantaged ones.
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are willing to take the committement seriously. It isn't fair to the
kids for whom it IS important.
-L....
dragonlady...
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You've said repeatedly that you didn't think it was a good idea for your
son. That's all I meant.
-L....
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No, I never said that. In fact, I said it is one option we are
considering.
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If he wants to play I'll sign him up. I highly suspect the world isn't
going to come to an end if he's in for 2 weeks
out of the season.
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In the leagues with which my kids were involved, there were only a
certain number of kids allowed on each team. If one or two of the kids
had families who didn't consider it important, and therefore didn't show
up regularly for practice or games, it detracted from the experience for
all of the other kids on that particular team.
-L....
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Then maybe your coaches should penalize the kids who don't show up, or
kick them off the team, or sign up more kids for their teams, or
something. Sheesh! I have never seen a worse case of Stage Mother in
my life. The world does not end if your kid doesn't get to play a
game. If it upsets you and him that much you need to rethink your
priorities. You can blame anyone you want - I couldn't care less if
you want to blame me and my kid for him being absent - it would be
absolutely no skin off my nose. I'd tell you to get a life and MYOFB.
toto...
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But the world doesn't end if he misses rehearsals for a play either,
yet you would not go on vacation if he made a commitment to be
in a play... It's really a matter of letting down other kids, not of
a specific activity and whether *you* think it is important. There is
an underlying idea here about keeping commitments to friends,
teammates and other people in general once you make them.
Banty...
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Yes. If she goes on with that attitude she'll run into sports team policies.
Hopefully her kid won't be in the high school string quartet.. "Ladies and
Gentlemen - our program tonight is Bach's Quar...>ahem< Trio in C Minor"...:-/
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Stephanie...
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Wait. The league intentionally limited participation to such a degree that
missing 1 or 2 kids was a problem? That just sounds dumb.
dragonlady...
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Short enough so that if a handful didn't show up regularly, and one or
two more were missing occassionally . . .
It's been a while, but iirc the last team my son was on, about 1/2 of
the families didn't seem to think it was important enough to show up
regularly. Since the object is to make the teams small enough so that
everyone gets a decent amount of playing time, it doesn't take much
before it's just TOO small.
Whether I agree with the way they set up the teams or not is pretty
irrelevant: it's how it was done, and, unless I had a LOT of money for
one of the privat clubs, the only game in town.
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Will you keep your son out of team sports if he shows and
interest/aptitute in that area?
-L....
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No. I suspect he will like sports because he's already athletic. But
I also suspect given the choice between diving in island> and playing in a soccer game (one of many), he'd choose the
former.
Stephanie...
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The other thing that comes to my mind is the very real benefit to having
enough kids that their is bench warming going on. Not every minute should be
occupied IMO. I always thought patience was learned on the bench.
bizby40...
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Well, that's the point. You want to have some substitutes so that every
kid doesn't have to play every second. On hotter days, it can be a real
problem not to get a break. So even if you have enough players that
you don't have to forfeit, the other kids can be negatively impacted
by having to play without a rest.
Michelle J. Haines...
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Our girls' high school[1] basketball team had exactly five players
last year, which is the minimum amount allowed for a team. Whenever a
player fouled out, they rest would have to continue on without that
number. I believe they finished one game with two people on the court.
Now, imagine the similar situation for volleyball, except I believe
they had 7, so one alternate. NOW imagine that one of the main
players up and decides 2/3rds the way through the season that it was
more important for her to do pageants and drop out of volleyball. The
coach was less than pleased. He would have preferred to play his
inexperienced alternate player and have her gain experience throughout
the season than play an experienced player who up and decided she
couldn't be bothered to fulfill her commitments.
Michelle
Flutist
[1] Not where I went to high school, the high school in the town where
I now live.
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Stephanie...
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My main problem with treating it as unimportant is the lesson to the child,
my child, that they can blow off a commitment that they have made.
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Why do they have to be mutually exclusive? We travel with DS and have
since he was a month old. He's a seasoned traveller at 2 and has had
something like 35 flights. No reason you can't take them with you.
cailleach...
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Well, they aren't always mutually exclusive but Turnip should consider
that they *might* be! Depending on all sorts of different factors.
I don't know what sort of travel Turnip is considering, but 15 months
old was the flying "low point" for us. My son had just learned to walk,
was desperate to be mobile, and too young to be kept occupied with
stories. Oooh, that flight was stressful! And it was only an hour long.
Before and after that age were easier. These days a comic, a story tape
and a snack will do us for a short-haul flight. I wouldn't willingly
try anything over 4 hours (though I know other parents who have done
just fine!)
I do think it's a good idea to discuss and maybe clear any short-term
goals before starting a family. It turned out that my husband had not
travelled much (I had) and he felt he needed to do some long-haul
travel, so before our son was born we visited Kenya and Sri Lanka. Of
course life is unpredictable - we still can't do exotic holidays, but
my husband's most recent job has taken him to India, Japan and Korea,
plus various parts of mainland Europe and the US :-)
Another thing to bear in mind is that most things to do with kids
aren't forever. For sure, the *kid* is forever, but they change and
their needs change. A toddler is very different from a newborn, and the
demands of a toddler aren't the same as the demands of a teenager
(though I'm told they're kind of similar :-))
All the best,
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toto...
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Yes, but once he is school age, you might find that you have fewer
options and he might have activities that will keep you from doing
some things. It's a matter of priorities and the priorities do change
once you have children because you become involved with things
you probably never imagined that you would be interested in *if*
your child happens to love it.
Rosalie B....
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Yes - I got to be a swim coach because my dd wanted to be on a swim
team. I never swam competitively at all ever. And I ended up as a
D.C. (District Commissioner) of a Pony Club because the kids had
horses and they needed someone to do that - even though I have never
been a rider and am afraid of horses. One of my dds is not a
Rosalie B....
professional judge and horse trainer.
OTOH some of the things my kids have done was because *I* was
interested in them - like ice skating (when we lived in RI).
I didn't fly much with the kids - we mostly drove from duty station to
duty station. But once we got there we touristed the h*** out of any
local attractions. I've gotten real good a day trips.
Now that the children are grown, dh has found that he really does NOT
like flying commercial. I think it is the taking the shoes off that
was the straw that broke his back on this. He has tender feet.
grandma Rosalie
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Pillbug owes me a trip to Spain and Rocky
owes me a trip to Africa!
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that ever seems to come up is the notorious Ann Landers write-in
poll.
Ericka Kammerer...
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Sorry, I couldn't turn it up tonight online.
I could find lots on the impact on marriage, and
lots on regrets regarding sterilization and all sorts
of other irrelevant stuff, and references to assorted
tantalizing studies, but couldn't drum up the
studies themselves!
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Also I'm wondering if it's possible to isolate the
percentage that regret having children due soley to the
stresses of parenting, and not because other
issues were aggravated. I'm thinking of aquaintances who
had a planned child under very unstable job and money conditions -
figuring it would all "work out somehow". Three years
later they still struggle to keep above water,
and may conceviably regret their decision, but it
doesn't necessarily reflect anything on how I
would experience parenting.
Ericka Kammerer...
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I seriously doubt that the existing
research would be anywhere near as helpful as
one would like them to be. I think that finding
appropriate operational definitions for the terms
involved would be *really* hard, plus it's *such*
a taboo to suggest that one regrets a decision to
parent.
I think ultimately, you just have to make
a decision based on the best thinking you can muster.
I did run across one study that said that the more
information one sought during the process of making
a decision to parent, the happier one was with the
decision if one chose to go ahead and parent. (Oddly,
those who chose not to parent were less happy with
their decision the more information they sought out
during the process!) If you have the resources
and aren't too naive about it, you should certainly
have the ability to do a credible job of parenting
if that's what you want to do. I think of it more
like making a decision to climb Mt. Everest. It's
not going to make you happier or wealthier or
more successful in worldly terms. In fact, it
might do just the opposite. It's an adventure.
It changes you as a person. *How* it changes
you has to do with how you rise to the challenge ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
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I suspect for most people, it is a pretty safe bet
that you wouldn't wish away your kids once they were there.
Even if you're stressed and not particularly enjoying
parenting, it is a monumental thing to see a child and
wish you could make him or her go away. But, it changes
just about everything about your life, and it is 24/7.
If you can imagine yourself leading a happy and fulfilling
life without kids, by all means, do it. It's sort of
like doing a doctoral dissertation--you have to go in with
a *lot* of enthusiasm and passion, or you won't have
enough to tide you over the rough patches!
Stephanie...
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Like, oh say, the entire first 6 months! :)
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That said, an extraordinarily high percentage
of children were not conceived on purpose. People
obviously do make the choice to parent and get a lot
out of it. Odds are that would happen to you. But
it's not like there's some magic switch that when
you see your child's sweet face it makes everything
easy or wonderful. If you listen to parents, they
typically don't tell you that the good things make
everything else easy or wonderful. They just say
the good things make it *worth it*--they don't bother
to deny how hard it is! They just sort of tactfully
avoid scaring you off ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
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Marie...
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No, you are not wrong. He did agree to no children.
His most specific reason to have kids so they will take care of him is one
of the worst reasons. There is no guarantee in that. It's possible that he
will outlive the kid, the kid is born disabled or may become disabled, or
may refuse to take care of your husband. It does happen.
If your husband is worried about how he can be taken care of in his old age,
he can save up his money and find someone if not you to be his legal
advocate. Having kids, however, will eat up a huge chunk of money,
particularly if one of them is disabled or is an expensive troublemaker.
Have a long good talk with him. And please don't have a baby for his sake.
This is something you should want for yourself, too. If you don't, then
don't have one. And there is nothing wrong with not wanting a child.
Good luck and keep us posted.
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