Disappointed over Baby's looks

I'm the mom of an 8 week old baby boy. I feel like a terrible mom and
a superficial person admitting this, but my son is far from being cute
or good looking. These thoughts depress me and make me feel guilty, but

bizby40...

You are neither terrible nor superficial. It's normal to have
built up expectations of the perfect baby, and if he doesn't
look like you expected, then, yes, you might experience
some disappointment.

It's true, as others have told you, that how your baby looks
now has little bearing on how he will look as he grows, but
it's also somewhat irrelevant. This is your child, and chances
are that no matter what he looks like, you will find the best
in him. I have two kids, and if I take a step back, yes, I can
tell you that one is more classically "good looking" than the
other, but that is only one of very many differences between
them that will end up making their lives harder or easier
or make them more or less liked or whatever, and I have
to say that it is not at all the most important feature.

I can't help feeling this way. Visitors just say 'Well, he doesn't look
like either of you' (my son is extremely dark skinned, we are not) or
'his features are very different from your older one's' or 'nothing
more important than the baby being healthy'. I realize they are saying
the truth and being diplomatic but I'm definitely disappointed over not
having the baby I dreamed of. My husband says the baby's looks don't
bother him the least bit, but there is disappointment in the family
circle though everyone is saying nice things about the baby to me to
cheer me up. I know a lot of babies change with time, but this is very
hard on me.
Has anyone been through such a situation? How did you get over the
disappointment?

Michelle J. Haines...

Well, I haven't felt that way about how our children look, specifically.
(My husband likes to say that babies start out looking very
unfinished, like grubworms, but also says for grubworms, ours are pretty
cute.) But, I have surprised at some of the behaviors our children have
grown into, and have had to learn to let go of some disappointment over
that, and learn to accept them for who they are.

I guess my best example is, while I was somewhat "girly", I also hated
pink, was never a bit clothes-hound, and was never a "cheerleader" type
of perky. So far, two out of our three daughters are just the opposite.
Aided and abetted by their aunt and grandmother, of course. (Our rule
is currently no make-up until 16 except for stage performances, and
we're still thinking about things like nail polish, and what does my
older daughter get for Christmas? Nail polish and lip gloss. *grinds
teeth*) So, we've mostly learned, at this point, to appreciate their
"look at me" sort of tendencies, while also trying not to let them get
too caught up in the fact that everyone around them finds them adorable. :p

I think the other issue, for us, would be the fact that our five year
old son is about the six of a three-year-old. It's "socially
acceptable" for a woman to be as small as I am, but less so for a man.
My husband and I have had more than one discussion about the pros and
cons of potential medical interventions for his small size, and will
probably have several more until he's the age where they are applicable.

I think every parent has to face some sort of expectation they had at
one point and must learn to let go. I think it's probably more healthy
to acknowledge that you do feel this way and work on trying to let go of
it. And as others have said, he's still only eight weeks old. He'll
likely change how he looks, and he'll probably grow out of some of his
baby newness. As for looking different from the rest of the family so
far, that may change, too, and it may turn out that he looks like
someone's aunt, for some bizarre reason. I know that my sister looks
very little like my mother or father, and it turns out, looks very like
my mother's half-sister.

Michelle
Flutist

Kelly...

I thought my youngest daughter looked like Dewey (the 2nd youngest kid) on
Malcolm in the Middle for the first 8 months of her life... Everyone
actually agreed, especially when she smiled... I still thought she was
cute, just that she had sticky-out ears and a funny shaped head... She has
become a lovely little 3 year old now...

w2mamma

cjra96...

Not all babies are cute.

In fact, many are ugly :)

FWIW - my sister's son was *particularly* ugly when he was a newborn.
Not a cute quality about him - he had an enormous head, completely out
of proportion with his body (which is just like his father's family, so
no shock there) and just was anything but cute.
However, by the time he was 2 or so, and his body grew into proportion
with his head and his features softened, he was incredily *pretty*. Not
even cute, but pretty.

Now he's a reasonably attractive 15 yr old boy....at least all the
girls at school seem to think so.

Dancing Queen...

is it his mix of genes you are dissappointed with, or his looks?

i dont know you from a bar of soap of course, but have you considered
talking to your doc about post natal depression? IMHE people who experience
irrational feelings of hatred or dislike are sometimes in the midst of PND.
I am NOT saying this is you, but have you considered it, or asked someone
close to you to think about it?

i am sure your baby is lovely, has he started smiling yet? i always rekcon
they are more beautiful and easier to look after once they recognise you and
start to smile.

good luck, and as someone else said, dont be too hard on yourself.

Mermaid...

Both my girls were gorgeous at birth and what a surprise because many people
had told us before to not be disappointed if they were ugly. I was braced

bizby40...

It would be nice if we were all perfect people and perfect parents
and never had a bad day or a stray thought we didn't like. But
as we are only imperfect people doing our best, that isn't likely
to happen. W2mamma came here distressed over her own
feelings, and hoping to hear that she is not alone, and is not, in
fact, a bad mom.

Feelings of letdown and disappointment are not only completely
normal after childbirth, but not really all that uncommon. They
do not, in any way, reflect badly on the parent (generally the mom,
as she is the one with all the hormonal changes) who feels them,
nor do they predict how good a parent they will be, or how
strong the bond of love between them and their baby will be.

It can, however, be a sign of post-partum depression, which
should be discussed with the doctor. Many women are so
afraid to admit their feelings of unhappiness to anyone, that
they go untreated, and that is not good for them or their child.

and ready. BUt looking at both of our families, the babies were beauties at
birth from both sides. As adults we are all average looking people.

Now my sil and bil had really ugly babies at birth... both of these children
are gorgeous now... possibly will even be more goregeous as adults? So
relax because you just never know. Look beyond how your sweet baby looks
and realize that this child is love.

Take it easy on yourself though... feelings after giving birth can be pretty
overwhelming.

Anni

Nan...

markansas859...

can't wait for your transmission to go out, or your $500 plastic radiator to
spring a leak....

will be worth the wait.

Nan...

Well, no problems so far, hon. Since it only cost us $200 to buy and
we've been driving it for 5 months, I'd say it's been an awesome deal
so far.

A lot of babies aren't "cute" at 8 weeks. They still have that 'new
baby look'.

markansas859...

and some people your age are sooooo ugly, they won't post a pic, hide behind
a fake name, and gotta tie a pork chop around their neck for thje dog to
hunp their leg........

pot, ketttle

Nan...

markansas859...

good for you

hope you have money budgeted for repairs..

Nan...

We do have $$, but likely won't use it for repairing that vehicle. It
will be more worthwhile to buy something else when things start to go
wrong.

markansas859...

first smart thing I remember you saying........... lemme make a note on the
calendar

enigma...

oh geez, Mark. you ain't no prize yourself!

lee

Shaddup Porkey.

-L....

dragonlady...

On the other hand, it is not at all unbelievable to me that someone
would have an emotional reaction that they didn't like -- that they

Mermaid...

Well my first was born when I was 34... maybe that's my problem! LOL!

markansas859...

yeah, I can do all that, but WHY???

thats what I pay less than $10 a year for emergency road service

Banty...

Hmmm, OK. It *is* cheap.

What's the price of the blankets (for winter), lawn chair (for summer), snacks,
water, and a book to read until they arrive?

Caledonia...

But don't you already carry these things in your car, along with
flares, a flashlight, and hand-warming thingies (the name escapes me).
No lawn chairs, though -- although I do have a friend (in NH) who
carries snowshoes 'just in case'.

Banty...

OK, I do, but I was making a point. Maybe it would have been more to the point
to ask what the *time* is *worth* that one is sitting aroudn waiting for road
service or a tow.

Make sure to have enough snacks for 'visitors' in some areas. Hey- your whole
problem may be solved - no wheels, no problems with flats!!

Caledonia...

I also carry food (okay, horrible MREs). Then again, I've always driven
cars where there's a reasonable probability that the car will break
down. (Hence, I rarely drive on 128/95 during the am/pm rush hour,
since the breakdown lanes become legit travel lanes.)

bizby40...

I don't carry any of this stuff, but then again I don't travel
on roads where it would be more than 30 seconds before
another car came along.

You honestly don't want to know a few basics regarding taking care of yourself??

Cheers,
Banty

call the garage, they fix the problem, I pay them, and I get reimbursed in
2-3 days

work smart, not hard.

were, in fact, appalled by.

People often have emotional reactions that they don't understand, and
don't approve of. One approach to that would be to go heavily into
denial -- pretend you aren't having the emotional reaction that you
don't like.

The other is to acknowledge that you are appalled by your own visceral
reaction, and ask for help getting past it.

It would be nice if our emotions always agreed with our intellect.
However, those who pretend that that is always the case are most likely
lying to themselves.

Rather than being upset by someone acknowleding the truth of their
emotional reaction, I find their willingness to take this ugliness out
and look at it promising. It means they are likely to find a way to get
over it.

For God's sake be glad you can *have* a baby. Many, many people can't.
Your superficiality makes me sick!
-L.

dragonlady...

Actally, if the OP was REALLY being superficial, she'd claim to adore
the baby and hide how she really feels.

It takes a lot of guts to haul out your negative feelings and look at
them -- but it is necessary to get past them.

Banty...

You seem to be often unwell. Perhaps limit your exposure to what makes you ill,
which seems to be much of what you read here.

It'd be a win-win, too.

Cheeers,
Banty (a believer in prevention)