second baby - much less attention from others

hi - I recently had my second baby daughter and none of my
friends/family seem to care even half as much as when my first was born
two years ago. When my first was born. people couldn't race to see her

Irrational Number...

Just curious, how much fuss do you make of
your friends or relatives who have a second
(or other subsequent) child? It's normal
not to make as much fuss; even within myself,
the mama, I could not gather up as much energy
as I had for the first. ;)

fast enough and were very generous with cards/gifts. With my second
however, no one is in a hurry to see her and hardly any cards/gifts
have been sent. I am practically asking people to come over now. I
expect this is normal? I feel very upset about this as I am sure that
if anyone else i knew had a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child I would like to think
that I would give it the same amount of attention as each baby is an
individual in their own right. I am wondering whether if I had had a
boy instead would that have made people more interested - in the sense
that people think that because my 2nd is a girl she can obviously use
all the same toys/clothes as the older one?

Ericka Kammerer...

Relax. People make a bigger fuss over the first because
it's a bigger transition for you. You start out with nothing
with the first, and people make a big fuss over you becoming a
mother. This is especially true for people who are your friends/
acquaintances, and not intimately involved with your family.
With the first, you went from being not a mother to being a
mother, and that's a big milestone. With subsequent kids,
your status as a mother doesn't change.
Keep in mind also that as you get older, more of
your friends have kids (or multiple kids) and the effort
(and time, and money) it takes to keep up with everyone's
new additions to the family gets significant. People often
cut back because they just can't manage it all. When you
go from a new baby in your circle every couple of years to
new babies every month or two, it makes a big difference.
People will go the extra mile for the first baby, but then
they tend to cut back a bit just to keep up.
There's some expectation that close family and
friends who are intimately involved with your family life
would likely make more of an equal fuss, but even some
of them will be overtaken by events. The grandparents
who longed for years for that first grandbaby are likely
to set precedents with the first that they just can't
keep up when they get to six or eight grandbabies. It
doesn't mean they love them or care less for them
(and surely you don't think that gifts and other tangible
goods are the only, or even the best, expression of
love and concern?).
What you're experiencing is very normal, and
doesn't mean that people don't care. And as much as
you think otherwise, even you will likely find that
you'll do some of the same, with others or even with
your own children on occasion! There's a reason there
are all those jokes about later-borns not having
completely filled out baby books or as many photos ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

Has anyone else experienced this? thanks!

LaTreen Washington...

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dragonlady...

Probably almost everyone who has more than one child, regardless of the
gender mix.

Other than possibly VERY close relatives (like grandma), it is my
experience that most folks don't give gifts upon the birth of a second
or later child. A few people will, and many will show up with some
small token the first time they come to visit, and the sensitive ones
will show up with a small gift for the older child, but many don't do
much at all.

A baby shower is generally only given for the first baby in a family,
for example. (An exception would be when there has been a very large --
like more than 10 year -- gap between the current youngest and the next
baby. In those cases, especially when it is known that the pregnancy
was unexpected, a shower may well be given, since the family may no
longer have any "baby" stuff.) I think most people approach gifts the
same way.

Think of it this way: with the first baby, you became a Family With
Children. This is a big deal. Any subsequent babies is just a BIGGER
family with children, but not as major a change.