Etiquette question

I want to thank all those people who expressed sympathy on the loss of
my mom. Some of them are buried in the sleep thread, and because
people often munge their addresses, I don't think I can thank them
individually.

Jeff...

I am sorry to hear about your mom. I did not know she passed until now.

But my question is - if a person writes an email to me, is it
appropriate to respond in an email? It would seem logical to me that
it would be especially as I might not know their snail mail address.

dragonlady...

According to Miss Manners, yes -- it is appropriate to respond in kind.

Ericka Kammerer...

Yes, I think responding in kind is appropriate.
While email is typically informal enough that some folks
wouldn't think it appropriate for condolences, I rather
doubt such people would have contacted you that way in
the first place ;-)

If I person writes me a sympathy card, then I'm assuming that I need
to write a thank you note back by snail mail also, even if I know
their email address?

dragonlady...

Generally, yes.

Jeff...

I don't think it is neccessary thank everyone who sent a sympathy card. I
think where I grew up, usually you just thanked the people sent Mass cards,
sent donations to organizations, sent flowers or food, or were particularly
kind. While my mother was ill before she died, some of her friends sent her
a magazine, flowers, or another gift every month. I know it meant a lot her.
So I sent each of them a nice thank you card.

However, in no way am I saying that you shouldn't send thank you notes for
sympathy cards. I think it is a lovely gesture and a wonderful way to
remember your mom, as well.

If someone sends you an email sympathy note, it is entirely appropriate to
send them an email thank you. However, if someone sent one through snail
mail or sends something else (see the list above), then, you should send
them a snail-mail thank you now.

About.com
agrees with me about not needing to send thank you notes for sympathy cards.
They say you get a pass on sympathy cards. A pass, to me, means you don't
have to do it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

Jeff

Ericka Kammerer...

Yes, I think that would be safest. Some might
not mind the email acknowledgment, but it's skating on
the edge of propriety so I'd go with the snail mail.
It is, by the way, perfectly acceptable for someone
else to write those thank yous for you. When my grandmother
died, I wrote all the acknowledgments because it was one
of the few things I *could* do to ease the situation a
bit for my mother. So, if you've got someone asking
what they can do to help, this is one of the things they
could do if you'd prefer not to do it.

Just asking for confirmation here.

And the last question - my dd#3 is writing the thank you notes for the
donations to the charity of my mom's choice (the American Iris
Society), and she does not know the people personally. (She's been
given this duty because she's the best writer, and she won't be at the
memorial service.) Should she address the people by their first
names, or by the honorific and their last name (Mr. Smith) or by the
first and last name (Paul Smith) or as Mr. Paul Smith? She's made up
some note paper with a drawing of the iris that was named for my mom
on it, and I trust that's OK and that she doesn't have to use
store-bought thank you cards.

dragonlady...

Actually, store-bought thank you cards are LESS "proper" than what your
daughter is doing. Somehow, we've gotten this weird notion that
store-bought cards are preferable to personal writing paper, and that's
just wrong -- store bought cards are a poor second best. I really like
the notion that your daughter has a hand drawn flower that was named for
your Mom on the cards -- that's very cool.

According to Miss Manners, honorific and last name is what is proper for
someone you don't know. (Honorifc and first and last name on the
outside of the envelope, just honrific and last name for the salutation
line.)

However, I tend to use the Quaker tradition of first and last name, with
no honorific (Quaker's don't use titles of any sort) -- it's less
aggrevating than trying to figure out which women want to be "Ms.",
"Miss", "Mrs. His-first-name-Last Name", or "Mrs.
Her-first-name-LastName" . So far, no one has complained.

Ericka Kammerer...

Absolutely there is no need to use store bought
cards. If you want to be strictly proper, the thing to
do is use plain black-bordered stationery. However, the
personally designed cards that are meaningful to you all
sound like an absolutely lovely solution.
As far as the means of address, if it were me
I would go with Mr. Smith. The other forms are more
business like, and this is a social occasion. It's
just that she doesn't know them well enough to
address them familiarly by their first names alone.
I'm sure if she *did* know them, she'd shortly be on
a first name basis with them, but since she doesn't
it's appropriate to go with title and last name.

Best wishes,
Ericka

grandma Rosalie