concerns about 4yo

A little man in my care has some things that strike me as not quite right,
and I would like your opinion if these things are in the range of normal. He
is approx. 4.5 yo. He speaks very poorly, almost like the 2yos in my care.
He refers to himself by his first name. He does not seem to get gender
and/or gender pronouns. He and she are used sort of randomly. He will
not/cannot call me by my name. He calls his sister by his name as often or
more often than her own name. He is not potty trained and when saying he
needs to be changed he calls both pee and poop poop. I *think*he knows the
difference and maybe the distinction is not made at home.

I am about 90% that whatever developmental issue there may be has no bearing
on potty training. I am pretty sure he is physically ready. He's *really*
resistant to doing anything for himself. He associates as a baby not as a
little capable boy, though that is lessening here in only the 2 short weeks
he has been here.

The advice I am looking for is

- As his childcare provider should I be mentioning what I notice as not
quite right with his mother, suggesting he might qualify for services? I am

Anonymama...

Yes. That's how we found out that our son qualified -- his teacher, as
she was kicking him out of her preschool, suggested that we have him
screened for behavioral issues. I don't like how she did it, but I
appreciate that she had the phone number ready for me.

not educated in developmental stuff for kids any more than any other mother.

Chookie...

I'm just nother Mum too, and my just-5yo is a bright boy, but I am sure this
speech isn't right. However, some of it may be due to shyness -- for example,
not referring ot you by name -- and some of his speech might be regression due
to shyness. Gender should be right more often than wrong by this age,
certainly, and of course he should know his own and his sister's name!

- Any other thoughts you have? Is there any harm in proceeding slowly with
potty expectations?

Ericka Kammerer...

I would think that it is very appropriate for a childcare
provider to recommend screening by the early intervention folks
when it seems reasonable. I suspect your early intervention folks
have some sort of set of guidelines for childcare providers to use
in making these sorts of suggestions. That might help depersonalize
things a bit if you do choose to say something. That way, it's not
"I think something isn't quite right with your kid," it's more,
"One of the services I provide is a recommendation for screening
when a child's behaviors meet the criteria put out by X, and
according to this guideline standard, you might want to have
your child screened by them because he might possibly qualify for
free services to help get him ready for school."

I think that two weeks isn't very long. I would likely
wait a bit before doing anything, since he's already making
significant strides. You never know--maybe this is more the
result of his environment at home. A little bit longer and

Stephanie...

I was certainly not going to say it like that! But I get your point.

Ericka Kammerer...

Oh, I didn't think that you would have! But even if
you phrase it very tactfully, some people are hellbent on taking
things personally. Having a checklist from some external
authority can really go a long way toward depersonalizing
something like this if the parents are the sort to take
anything like that as a criticism of their parenting or a
sign that you don't like their child. Goodness knows some
parents are like that.

Jeanne...

DS's daycare center just hired an infant/toddler developmental
specialist. She sent around a questionnaire that asks whether or not
the child (in our case, a 33 month old) does a list of activities.
Supposedly it allows her to evaluate how the child is doing and
highlight his/her needs. Many activities in this survey are pretty
general and the parents can answer pretty easily (e.g., can jump off the
ground with both feet). Several things I had not done or even thought
about doing with my son - for instance, have him repeat two numbers
(e.g., seven three) back to me. I'm not sure if this is a list of
things a 33 month old is supposed to be able to do, but it's a nice way
of putting such a checklist.

you'll likely have a much better idea. You can use that time
to gather the information about the early intervention program
and track some of his behaviors that seem worrisome, and maybe
also to target one or two little issues to see if working on
them under your care solves the issue or not.

Stephanie...

True enough. Good thought.

As far as proceeding slowly on the potty expectations,
what other choice do you have? I don't think you can really

Stephanie...

I meant as opposed to doing nothing.

Ericka Kammerer...

Ahh, sorry. I do think it's reasonable to start
taking slow steps in that direction. I don't think you
would do any harm as long as you weren't pushing.

Take care,
Ericka

push it under the circumstances. I think you just proceed

Stephanie...

I don't beleive in pushing it under most circumstances, so that's easy.

carefully and observe and say something to the parents about
possible screening if warranted after you've gathered some
more information.

I would also suspect that the early intervention program
might have some developmental checklists that you could share
with the parents, perhaps in the context of "this is what I
work on with kids at this level." If his delays are due more
to inadequate expectations at home, seeing a list of what
normal 4yos really are capable of might be a revelation. Even
in our preschool, the kids make *huge* strides in so many
areas just because parents haven't realized that they are
capable of these things (especially first time parents).

Best wishes,
Ericka