birthday party woes already!

I'm so upset. I just planned my kindergartner's first friends only birthday
party. I booked a swim party for about 12 friends and paid for it, sent out
the invitations and just now got a call from another mom.

bizby40...

"Backpack Express" is a great way to get things
to kindergarteners here, because the teachers
actually check the folders and make sure every-
thing gets where it's supposed to be. It's 3rd
and up where the teachers don't check that it
turns into a problem.

We do have a school directory though, and of
more than 300 students, only about 4 or 5 chose
(or their parents chose for them) not to be in it.
So you usually do have the addresses for the
class.

And call me callous, but unless the kid was a
good friend of my kid, if he wasn't in the directory,
I'd just forget about him.

Banty...

I dont' call you callous - I think that, if you don't know the parents or kids
enough to get an address, why are they at a birthday party to begin with??

I'm not a fan of invite-the-class birthday parties to begin with. A hassle to
host, but also a hassle to plug up every Saturday (around here) noon to
afternoon with the Kiddo expecting to go to all these parties!

She said her son can't make it because they already rsvp'd another party for
another kid in their class - same day, same time.

Obviously, I didn't see an invitation to that party or I wouldn't have
booked the same time. I sent the invitations a full two-weeks in advance.

My heart is breaking for my son - his first friend's party is going to be a
flop - and he's old enough to realize it. He'll be 6.

Any advise on what I should do? No one else has called - it's only Monday
and I sent the invitations home with the kids on Friday.

bizby40...

I never actually had an "invite the class" party for
my son. His b-day is near the end of the year
so he'd had plenty of time to make friends. I
did for my daughter though. She's very shy and
has never had more than a friend or two at a
time. In Kindergarten she had zero. So if we'd
have invited only her friends, she'd have been
alone. :-(

Now she's at the age where it's pretty common
to invite just a couple of friends to do something
special. This year she's going to take them to a
theme park.

Advise and opinions wanted...

Tai...

How many of the parents of the invitees do you know well? I'd quickly poll a
couple of them to find out if they'd also received invitations to the other
party - but not if I didn't know them *very* well. If you're drawing guests
mainly from your son's class you could probably assume the worst,
unfortunately.

bizby40...

Actually, around here 2 weeks is the norm for all
birthday parties, even the ones that require down-
payments, and expense. Much longer than that
and you risk people forgetting about it. I will
sometimes call a few of the closest friends before
the invitations go out though to try to pick a time
when they, at least, will be able to come.

Jeanne...

Same here. Even though birthday venues need to be reserved in advance,
invitations go out 2-3 weeks before the party. Any earlier and you risk
people totally forgetting the event. I will call DD's best friends'
parents to check their schedule. I'm also finally getting the hang of
coordinating with one of DD's friends' mom so they won't overlap their
parties.

shinypenny...

Yeah, it's probably a local thing. Around here, if you get an invite
only two weeks in advance, it's a sign that a first-round choice
couldn't make it.

Tai...

Ouch!

Two to three weeks is normal here for younger kids but my high schoolers
seem to get invitations all the way up to a month ahead. I supect the older
kids are expected to remember they want to go to a particular party!

Mary...

cara...

Its unlikely that all 12 kids you invited got invited to this other kids
party, since your son didn't get an invite....hopefully there is just a
small overlap in the friends that were invited to each party. In which
case, you are likely to still have a decent turn out at the swim party -
if at least 4 or 5 come, it'll still be a blast and I doubt he'll even

Mary...

Great idea - I definitely will do this!

think twice about who didn't come, he'll have great fun with the ones
that are able to make it. You could always try calling several of his

Jeanne...

You may *not* want 12 5-6 year olds at a swim party. If I recall,
there's a pretty wide range of swimming abilities at that age from "I
won't put my face into the water" to "Let's go off the high dive!".
Actually having 4-6 kids sounds about perfect.

Mary...

That's about how many I expected would come - I always figure there to be
25-50% of guests won't be able to make it that particular day/time for
whatever reason and then maybe a few who get sick or have a last minute
issue anyway.

Nan...

This is what I was thinking. I just can't imagine trying to keep
track of 12 kids in a pool, let alone ensure their safety.

Tai...

DS5 went to a swimming party for a 6th birthday this summer with about 10-12
children in total. We were nervous about the safety aspect so my husband
stayed - as did most of the other parents! There was a lifeguard/party host
and the kids wore proper flotation devices. I wouldn't be happy to send a
pre-swimmer to a swimming party at a private home though, or not without
almost one-on-one supervision with one of the supervisors being me or my
husband.

Nan...

That would be me, also. I don't like to just drop off my dd at
parties, but I'd certainly stick around to "help" supervise at a
swimming party.

Mary...

I agree, except it's hosted at the local Y and they provide a host and
lifeguards who fit the kids with proper flotation devices if needed and keep
a close watch on them. There are no other swimmers during the party time,
so...

closer friends invited and politely tell the parent that you learned of
another party the same day and ask if they know their plans yet so you
can figure out if you need to reschedule - I don't think that would be a
big deal. Or, make sure you invite several other friends (from another
source besides school, or cousins or something) so that you're
guaranteed a handful of kids in addition to whoever can show from the
original invitees. Its hard with parties like that because sometimes
people don't have the courtesy to RSVP and you are just left wondering
what to plan for.

We moved to a new city last August and while I'm still working on getting to
know other parents, its hard since I work full time. I'm assuming the worst.

I have received a call in the past from a mother in your situation who asked
me if I minded telling her my guest list so she could rebook her son's if it
looked like there was a significant overlap with my daughter's. There was,
so she rebooked and re-issued the invitations as soon as possible. I didn't
mind being asked at all, it's a very common situation when birthdays often
fall in clumps in one month and I would rebook and reissue the invitations
with an explanation. The timing is less important than having their
favourite friends there, in my experience.

Mary...

You are definitely right about the friends being more important. My
inability to reschedule it is the biggest problem with making this work! I
think I'll end up filling in with family kids and just hope for the best.

I have also made a point of sounding out the parents about convenient times
when a child has been desperate to have a special friend attend his/her
party. It's not always possible to do this though.

A note for the future, pay a small booking deposit only and set the RSVP
date for a few days before you need to let the party place know the number
of children attending the party.

If it was a young child's party at an outside venue I would phone anyone I
hadn't heard from after the RSVP date otherwise I'd feel I had to assume
they were coming and pay for the child whether they turned up or not.
Fortunately in 15 years and with three children I've only ever had it happen
once that someone said they were coming but forgot all about it! People seem
to be pretty good about RSVPing around here so I haven't had to make one of
those awkward phone calls yet. :)