Hugging bad for children, what's wrong?

Hey everybody

Children are the reflection of our society, so I guess our society is
really sick. I was outrageous this morning. I just saw that a 5 years
old child had to to write an apology letter because he hugged another
child. What's wrong with our school?

Chookie...

Well, something is wrong when they are making 5yos write -- most 5yos here
aren't literate yet!

You may want to see the video.Check this out:
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dragonlady...

I'm not going to bother with this,

But -- if the child in question was touching a child *who did not wish
to be touched* then he was wrong.

Some kids don't LIKE to be hugged by other kids. They have the right to
have their bodies treated they way they want to be treated.

I've been around a few 5 yo's who don't seem to use "hugging" in an
aggressive way, and insist on hugging people who have specifically told
them they didn't want to be touched. If that's the case, then, yes, a
note of apology is in order.

dragonlady...

There's a "don't" that doesn't belong in that last paragraph. It should
read, "I've been around a few 5 yo's who seem to use "hugging" in an
aggressive way..."

Bodi...

You're right that some kids don't like hugs and an apology should be
given if that is the case.

I saw a more in depth coverage of this earlier this week. I remember
it saying that the child was returning a hug the other child had given
her. And, it wasn't only the hugging child that had to write about not
hugging. I believe it was the whole class.

toto...

No, it was 6 children. The whole class was talked to, but it really
did not have anything to do with *hugging*

*************
From the original article

5-year-old Savannah Marino and her class were outside Greenmeadow
Elementary School Tuesday afternoon when she and a half-dozen other
students began playing "inappropriately."

Some were running around, flipping children’s hair, he said, when an
aide saw Savannah pick up her friend "6 inches off the ground."

Her friend told a teacher the gesture made her uncomfortable,
Masterson said.

So the teacher asked all six students to reflect on their actions,
write a letter about what they had done and why it was inappropriate,
and bring it home to their parents.

******************************************

posted 06 April, 2006 07:44 PM

This is very interesting given that my daughter goes to Green Meadow.
You don't have all the facts and in the timeline of things, the parent
Brenda Brier, talked to the princpal in the parking lot (She was not
aware of what had happened but told the parent she who find out and
get back to her that day). When the parent got home, she called the
superintendent, he wasn't in the office so she left a message. By the
time he had called her back 45 minutes later, she had just finished
talking to channel 5. When she showed up for a meeting with the
principal, later that day, the news van and the reporter were outside
the building.

So I guess the current trend is, leave messages and ALERT THE MEDIA!!!

********Text of letter from the principal******

The is the letter that went home to parents today from the principal
of Green Meadow School.

"Dear Parent and Caregivers:

In light of all the negative publicity about recent events, I wanted
to let you know about some things that have not been reported in the
media.

On Wednesday a parent came to me about 8:30 A.M. and asked if I was
aware of the school rules. I responded I was. I told her we had a
"hands off policy". She asked "What about hugs?" I told her we did not
have a "no hugs policy" but I would have to know more about the
circumstances. She said she and her husband were upset because their
daughter was reprimanded for giving a hug. I told her I would need to
look into it and get back to her. I talked to the teacher about what
had happened the previous day at recess time. The teacher prior to
recess had talked to the whole class reminding them that hands should
be kept to one's self because there had been some overly physical play
- not with any malicious attempt or anger. She did remind the students
that some students do not like to be touched and we need to respect
each other. Following that reminder the classroom aide went out at
recess time with the students and observed some students being too
physical. In the line one student bear hugged another student and
while doing so lifted her six inches off the concrete ground they were
standing on. This was not an issue of hugging. This was a safety
issue.

When they returned to the classroom the teacher followed up with the
students and had them write a note to their parents explaining what
happened. We frequently have students use reflective writing to help
students learn appropriate school behavior. The students were never
sent to the office or had a discipline referral following recess. The
teacher talked to the students in the classroom.

When I had this information I called the parent and asked if she
wanted to come and discuss this with me and the teacher. The parent
requested that the aide be there also and I said I would try to
arrange coverage for the classroom but I couldn't guarantee it. The
meeting was set for 12:30 PM on Wednesday. The parent informed the
media about the meeting and the media was outside at that time. The
teacher, aide and I met with both parents. The meeting lasted about 5
minutes. One of the parents said: 'This can be done right now - just
apologize to my kid or talk to our lawyer". I said that we should
discuss it. Both parents said there is nothing wrong with hugging. I
related that this was not a hugging issue - it was a safety issue. The
parents told us we were changing the story and they knew we would do
this. The parents then left the room and said we would hear from their
lawyer.

We have been barraged by the media for statements but again student
matters are not for public fodder.

The adults at Green Meadow with the support and help of parents will
continue to provide a safe environment for all students where they can
academically and emotionally flourish. This series of events has taken
our energy off where it should be and we are going to refocus and stay
strong in our mission. We appreciate your support in this effort."

I would just like to add the teacher in question has 35 years
experience, is thought of very highly by her peers, the administration
and parents.

Savannah is about 2-3 times the size of the girl she picked up.

The problem from the way I see it arose because th girl did not, and
does not understand what she did wrong. She now thinks that hugging is
wrong when its how she was hugging. She was asked to write something,
it was her choice to write what she did. So when the parents got it,
they did not understand. Instead of taking the time to find out, they
call a TV station.

*******************
Comment from another poster

Sharon,

bizby40...

Thank you for saying this. My daughter had this problem when she was
5. There was another girl who just *loved* DD and would hug her every
time she saw her. These hugs were not like adult hugs, they weren't
brief or gentle, and definitely not reciprocated. If you saw my
daughter being picked up and squeezed like a rag doll in a grizzly
bear grip, you wouldn't say, "Aw, isn't that cute?" Yet the girl
wouldn't stop despite being asked to repeatedly. Her mom was a friend
of mine, and I tried to talk to her about it, and she said pretty much
what xbat said -- "It's just a hug -- it's not like she's hitting
her!" Well, it *was* just like she was hitting her! In some ways it
was worse because she was getting no sympathy or support, and she was
bring dragged around against her will.

xkatx...

I'll assume you meant me with the above and the comment about it's just a
hug.
I honestly didn't think on the other side, but you're definitely right. My
kids are big huggers. Having the shoe on the other foot and if they weren't
into hugs, then yes, I do agree.
I wouldn't really say that a hug, even if unwanted, is the same as hitting,
but I do agree that it's very similar to some extent where I know I don't
want to be hit, and maybe you know you don't want to be hugged or vice
versa. Somewhere below I believe someone said something that one child was
giving a hug back to the other. In this case, it's very rediculous, but
then you might get the person who says because I hit you is it alright for
you to hit me? A hug is just a hug. Some like it, some don't, and now that

bizby40...

Yes, I did, sorry.

bizby40...

It's not the same as hitting, but it can be just as bad depending on
the circumstances. And in fact, in my daughter's case was actually
more physical than hitting would have been, as the hugs were long and
frequent and sometimes involved picking her up or even carrying her
places. At least hitting would have been quick and over with, and
would have been taken care of by the people in charge immediately,
rather than being allowed to drag on for years.

it's been brought up, it might or might not be appropriate or right to do.
Now, maybe to be fair, if it were my child hugging your child and you
approached me with your concerns and said, "You know, I've noticed (my
daughter has said) that your daughter is a real hugger and I can see (my
daughter has told me) she does not like that." I would probably take that as
a first step on your part, and honestly, I would probably sit down with my
child and explain that your child does not like hugs. Maybe you can see if

bizby40...

The mom, as I said, was a friend, so I approached the subject
gingerly, not wanting to harm the friendship. She did tell me that
she'd talked to her about it before (my daughter wasn't the only one
she did this to), but that it hadn't had an affect. Then she shrugged
and said, "Well, I'd rather she be hugging people than hitting them."
Being as this didn't clear up until between 2nd and third grade, I
don't believe she took the situation very seriously. Hitting would
not have been allowed to go on for more than 3 years unchecked.

she wants to do something else, like 'Hey! Gimme 5!' or something middle
ground, or have mine and yours figure something out that they both find cool
and appropriate, assuming they are friends. If they're not, or are simply
just class mates or see eachother because Moms are friend, then *I* would
probably have my child cut it out since there's probably something that
another child might do that they don't like.

bizby40...

The mom and I were work friends. The kids had known each other since
birth, but didn't see each other a lot out of school. But this girl
at the time *loved* my daughter. My daughter was actually kind of
mean to her just to try to get her to back off. And I truly believe
the hugging was the main reason. If your child is giving short,
gentle, reciprical hugs, then there isn't a problem. That is rather
sweet, and most kids don't have a problem with it. But this child's
hugs were different. A child stuck in the grip of one of those hugs,
lifted off the ground, shaken back and forth with their arms pinned to
the sides, and completely unable to move, disengage or get away, is
not feeling a lot of love.

So I'm not saying that childish hugs are always bad. Often they are
quite sweet and innocent. It's just that I'm very sensitive to the
fact that an unwelcome hug is just as bad as any other form of
aggression, and needs to be taken as seriously as any other behavior
problem. So when I hear any form of "it's just a hug" I'm instantly
on alert.

There are absolutely times when an apology for hugging is the right
thing to do.

xkatx...

Yes, but apparently it was brought up that this was not the case. It was
turned into a big deal over something that probably wasn't a big deal. In

bizby40...

"School Superintendent Mark Masterson told NewsCenter 5 there was a
"dispute of the facts between a hug and a lifting of a child off the
floor." The superintendent said the school reported "one girl bear
hugged another girl and lifted her off the ground."

Now, the parents of the girl are outraged, and they don't think
anything unwelcome happened. Nonetheless, this was more than just a
little squeeze.

the case of your child, then yes, that behaviour isn't appropriate. As it
would be if the child was kicking another. A friendly hug in school or
wherever between friends is not wrong and I don't believe it needs a written
or verbal apology at all. In the cases where it is not wanted, then yes,
apologize away. But, what about the other extreme cases of the child that
doesn't like hugs and gets one from I dunno, a relative or something? I
didn't care to have big bear hugs from some distant relative that says, "Oh!
I haven't seen you since you were this big! My, my, my! Haven't you
grown!" followed by a big hug. I didn't like that, but I was never given an
apology. It seems that schools, and the public, takes some things and makes

bizby40...

I don't think an apology was extreme. I think the news coverage about
the event and the parents demanding an apology from the school and
threatening to move their daughter to another school over this are all
extreme, but the school didn't do any of that.

As for the relatives -- well, school is an appropriate venue for
teaching manners. Family reunions really aren't. Nonetheless, as a
parent, if I knew that my child was unhappy, I'd ask them to back
off -- nicely of course. If they wouldn't, I might not demand a
letter of apology, but I'd think rather poorly of them.

them extreme cases.

dragonlady...

I have always done my best to see to it that my children were NOT forced
to endure such hugs when they were unwanted.

Since I tend to be a hugger, I try to be VERY conscious of other
people's body language and comfort levels -- but if someone IS trying to
hug me in a way which makes me uncomfortable, I tend to put a stop to it
fairly quickly.

I don't think anyone should be expected to accept touching that makes
them uncomfortable -- whether OTHER people think their discomfort is
reasonable or not.

This happened in the town where I used to live, before we moved to CA.
It's such a tiny town, I can't believe it actually came up on this BB!

I'm still on the town's mom's yahoo group and there was a flurry of
emails about this and after a few days, the full story was nailed
down. Pretty much everyone agreed that the mom of the hugger went to
the media too quickly. The conjecture was that b/c the note sent home
to the parents about what happened was written by the girl herself,
she probably described what she did as "a hug" and that's what got the
parent upset, not realizing that it was much more than a hug. The
teacher should have sent a note also explaining what happened in full.