6 yo nervous about music program

Tonight there is a music program at dd (6 yo) school. Apparently it
is to be similar to last year, in which the K-1-2 grade kids sang
holiday songs.

The last couple of days dd had been saying she doesn't want to
participate, that she's afraid, nervous... that sort of thing.

This morning she got pretty upset and was adamant she does *not* want
to sing.

Rosalie B....

My mom used to have to force me to do any performances. I just didn't
like them. (My sister really loved them.)

She's participated in programs before (last year and at preschool)
without such trepidation so this is sort of surprising to me. I'm
guessing this is typical stage-fright and nothing deeper.

Chookie...

Sit down and have a talk to her about stage fright -- especially if you've
felt it yourself. What it feels like, why we get it, and how to live with it.
She might not have experienced it before (younger kids are usually not
self-conscious) and not know what to do about it. After all, it doesn't feel
pleasant!

On the one hand I want her to participate, as I think she'll be okay
once she gets involved, and I used to get stage-fright before ballet
recitals and plays and know it isn't that big of a deal.

cailleach...

I'm with Ericka - I do think it's better for her to go onstage, with
whatever encouragement it takes.

Did anything happen at last year's concert that bothered her? It might
not have been the concert itself, it could have been something in the
changing room or whatever.

All the best,

Cailleach

Nan...

Thanks for your input! I don't think anything did happen last year as
she's always been quick to let me know if something has upset her and
she's never mentioned anything.

I mentioned that she did very well last year during the program and
she said she didn't even remember being in it!

Hopefully we'll get it worked out :-)

However, I don't want to push her to do something that is pretty
upsetting for her.

It's not like this is a team sport or group that her absence will have
an effect on. The kids weren't really given the opportunity to
opt-out of the program unless there were cultural or religious
objections. So she didn't choose to sign up for the program, thus
making it necessary for me to see she follows through.

I'm waffling... any thoughts from you guys?

Cathy Kearns...

I used to help with my daughter's dance school's preschool show. At before
age six I'd say there's a 20% chance your child will not go out onto the
stage, so don't bring in Grama and Grampa from 400 miles away, it just makes
the kids more nervous.

But at age 6, singing in a big group, I think it's something more than stage
fright. You might try talking with the teacher, to see if there was
something during practice that made her nervous. Perhaps she has a solo or
small number of singers part. Perhaps she once hit a note that the music
teacher singled her out for. Perhaps friends around her have been teasing
her about her singing. If you could find out what it was, then you could
talk to that point. But if you don't have time to narrow it down I'd say
take her to go watch with you. After a year of watching, and seeing how you
can't see individual kids, and seeing how much the audience loves the group,
she'll be back up there next year.

Nan...

Rosalie B....

I agree with Erika at least in part. I think she must participate.
But you don't have to disregard her feelings altogether. You can tell
her that most people get nervous before a performance and that it
makes them do it better in a lot of cases. And if she's not singing a
solo and is adamant that she isn't going to sing, I'd tell her that
she has to go and be in the group, and at least fake singing. My
thinking is that once she gets up there, it will be easier to go ahead
and sing.

Nan...

Thanks Rosalie.

Thanks for responding Cathy.
The thought of a solo occurred to me, but neither the music teacher
nor the classroom teacher mentioned anything to me. I hope I'm right
in thinking someone would inform me so I could make sure she'd be
there, or help her work on her part at home.

The teasing.... I don't know that that would have happened, as my dd
sings... all the time. In class. In stores. In the car. All the
time, lol. But, I do agree this is different than being on stage and
actually being aware of people that are paying attention to you.

Ericka Kammerer...

If I were you, I would absolutely insist she go
on. There's no reason why she can't (unless you turn up
some good reason). You can negotiate with her to find some
ways to make it more comfortable for her, and you might be
able to involve the teacher (who might know something you
don't about what's causing the trouble). Can she stand
next to her best friend? Will she feel better wearing
a favorite outfit? Would a "lucky charm" help?

Nan...

She has a kitty-lovey that goes everywhere with her. If she's
*really* having a bad time I can ask the teacher if she can hold the
kitty. It's small enough not to cause distraction. We got a nice
dress and new shoes that she's excited about wearing.

It might be one thing if somehow you'd put her
in a position where she was being asked to do something
unusually difficult, but this is just a garden-variety
school music program. She's done it before, and she'll
be doing it again. If you let her off the hook to face
her fears tonight, she'll likely be even more afraid next
time. This is a perfect opportunity for her to face her
fears and realize that she can do that.

Nan...

True.

That said, are you sure something else isn't going
on? What's different this year? Does she have a solo?
Is one of the kids picking on her? Has the teacher been
going on and on about how everything has to be perfect
or somehow raising the bar? Is there something about the
physical setup? Has someone been playing up how there'll
be huge crowds of people and the kids won't want to embarrass
themselves? (That seems to happen sometimes when the kids
haven't been paying attention and working at rehearsals,
so the teacher snaps and tells them they're going to
embarrass themselves in front of all their family and
friends.) Are they playing up someone important in the
audience? I'll bet you find there's *something* going on.
She should still go on, unless it's something really
weird or serious, but if you know what it is, maybe you
can help her cope better.

Nan...

I'll talk to her when she comes home and see if I can find anything
out. I *hope* the music teacher didn't apply too much pressure to
them, but one never knows. It could be that she's simply heard talk
about a lot of family members being there and that is what is
bothering her.
Thanks for your thoughts!

Best wishes,
Ericka

-L....

You've failed as a parent.

Nan...

Thanks for your thoughts!