Bday Party

I'm having a huge party for my son who will be turning 1 on the 4th of june.

HCN...

....

Rule of thumb: Never have more child guests than the number of years the
child has been alive. So for a 1 year old... that would be 1 child. For a
10 year old... that would be 10 kids.

shinypenny...

I think that's a good rule of thumb. I guess when I read the OP, I
automatically assumed that this was going to be more of an adult party
with family members. I mean... how many "friends" can a 1 year old have
anyway?

cjra...

Why is that a good rule???? Seems kind of silly to me. So do you tell
any friends and family members with kids to leave them at home? We'd
never have parties in my family if anyone followed such a rule - there
are 20+ nieces and nephews to start, not to mention cousins' kids.

Nan...

IME, there are family parties and then there are friends-of-the-child
parties.
We always had large family parties with all the relatives when we were
young. When we got into school we'd have parties with classroom and
school friends. In the latter, my mom would have applied the rule of
thumb unless she was up to hosting an entire-class party.

cjra...

I can appreciate the rule for a child-only party (ie, just the school
mates invited, not family/adult friends), given you'd have very few
adults to manage the kids. But this is a one year old here, not a
school-aged kid.

Nan...

True, and that's why I wouldn't adhere to that rule with a one year
old. Once they're in preschool, maybe.

dragonlady...

It's a good rule of thumb for everything EXCEPT family parties, where
you just have to invite the family -- no matter HOW big it is.

cjra...

I'd agree with that, but modify "family" to "friends" as well. I like
Nan's distinction of 'friends-of-the-child' kids - and I presume few or
no parents? vs. kids of adult friends, where mom, dad, and kids are all
invited.

However, I found it a good way to decide how big to allow the kids'
parties for their friends to get. Four three year olds (the birthday
kid and 3 friends) makes a decdent size party -- or nine 8-yos, etc.

lisabell...

I guess it also depends what is customary where you live. Over here you
are expected to invite the whole class to a party, from preschool up
through about 3rd grade at least,and we were specifically asked by
preschool and 1st grade teachers not to have parties which include some
of the kids and leave others out.

Welches...

That's pretty dictatorial. I don't think they've got any rights to say that.
Ask that they don't just leave one child out, fine, but say you "have" to
invite the whole class is ridicululous. Certainly we wouldn't want to be
spending the money on having 30 children to a party. (it would probably come
to closer to 40+ as we've other children she would want to invite too)

Nan...

I know I wouldn't appreciate teachers asking that of me. It would be
my right to have the party and guests of my choosing, not theirs.

When I hear from my niece in England about how girls come in to school
with party invitations which they ceremoniously hand out to only their
select group of friends (aka the popular crowd), it seems awfully rude
to me.

Welches...

#1's class put them into the children's drawers. They don't know who else is
invited. (as I discovered a few weeks ago when #1 brought home an invitation
for a party that apparently had taken place the previous week-the parent had
written the wrong month!) It hasn't bothered her not being invited to a
party, even when she knows others have.
Debbie

Nan...

On this, I have to agree. I wouldn't have my dd hand out invitations
at school if all the kids weren't invited. I'd mail them out, or call
the parents.

toto...

We always mailed party invitations or gave them to my kids friends
parents when we saw them in person. I would never have my kids hand
out invitations in school if everyone in the class was not invited.

Chookie...

The important thing here is discretion. If you aren't inviting everyone, you
give the invitations out quietly. At least, that was the normal state of
affairs when I was a kid.

However, for us, having the entire class was too much chaos. We never
did that even at the preschool age.

cjra...

Even *I* would balk at having the *entire* class over, but that depends
on the class size I guess. Money's not the issue as it'd be an at home
party and feeding 25 6 yr olds is not a lot different from feeding 5-10
kids (burgers, hot dogs, basic simple stuff), but 25 6 yr olds in one
place might be a bit much. 25 kids of varying ages from 1-12 is
different, IMO, which is how I usually think of parties with lots of
kids.

Even my mom, party planner extraordinaire only did this once as I
recall (tho she may have done it for my older siblings) - she had a
joint party for my sister and I, ages ~ 5&8 and both our classes were
invited (probably 40 kids showed up). But she did have a lot of help in
the form of other adults and my older siblings.

Banty...

Not only that, but little kids, just like their teenaged and adult human
counterparts, *do* have people-preferences and friends and other kids they don't
like so much. Especially when they get up to the primary grades.

This kind of policy is just so intrusive.

The answer of course is to mail out invites discreetly, and see if they can be
taught not to talk about the party rudely in front of uninvited kids. (However,
sooner or later, they have to also learn that not everything includes them.)

As to the original question, I wouldn't be too concerned about getting
the 3 year old something too. IME, enough guests will likely consider
the 3 year old and bring her something small as well, not just a
present for her brother.

Yeah, I know... I have violated that rule several times. Just enough to
know why it is a wise rule.

Fortunately, they are now all teenagers, and we only have family birthday
parties. No more screaming hoards going through the house... or this
question after you have gone through all the planned activities: "So what is
next?" --- and the party only started 20 minutes before!

toto...

Me too.

Jeanne...

Huge is often a bad idea unless you happen to have a large family. I
agree with the one same-aged guest per year rule although I violated it
when DD turned 4. That's when I realized *why* the rule existed and
kept to it ever since then. The following year we took DD to the zoo
with her best friend and two older cousins - it was much more enjoyable
for everyone.

Often toddlers melt down during the parties - too many people, too much
noise, too much activity, WAY too much sugar and often not enough nap.

My daughter who will be 3 in august is who I am worried about. I know that
he will be getting all kinds of presents and such and well she won't be
getting anything and I know she will be jealous. I have thought about
getting her something special so she won't feel so jealous. What are your
take on this situation and what have you done yourself to keep the green
eyed jealousy monster away.

Irene...

Well, I guess I'm in the minority, since I did do a small sibling gift
for birthdays. I grew up with that, so it seemed normal to me, I
guess. Ds is, alas, way too materialistic anyhow, so I don't think it
makes a large difference one way or another with him - he gift grubs
constantly anyhow. He does know that he doesn't get anything when we
go to other people's parties, however, and we haven't had a problem
with that.

This year, dd turned 2 and ds is 4. The back story on this gift is
that dh and I each have a full size tennis racket, and the kids like to
play with them, too. However, this spring, dd started wanting to play
when ds wanted to play with an adult. So, for her (April) birthday,
they each got their own small tennis racket. It worked out since it
was something we wanted to get for them, anyhow, and I didn't really
feel like it would work out well if I got one for her but not for him.

On size of birthday parties - for one year old, I did family (approx 24
people!) plus a few close friends. For 2 years old, just family. I
think for 3 & 4 years, I added a couple of neighbors, iirc. Ds turns 5
this summer, and he will have a few friends from pre-school plus
neighbor kids. Two of his closest friends from pre-school moved away,
so I'm not sure how many we'll end up with from there, also with it
being summer.

My planning issue once they get to 3 years old is to make sure there is
at least one or 2 kids near their age, so they feel like they've got
someone to play with. The sad thing is, you never know how many people
will be able to make it, in order to get that to happen!

Oh, and I've found that with a big group, 3 hours is about as quickly
as you can expect a party to happen at home. Half an hour for people
to show up, mingle, etc. Then lunch, cake, open presents, and random
playtime, ending with a pinata (once ds turned 3). It just takes a
while to mobilize everyone in our family!

Cathy Kearns...

Why not make it a joint birthday party? I assume most the guests are family
and friends of the family anyway. Or are you also holding a huge party
again in August?

toypup...

Ugh, no. My brother's b-day is in Feb, mine in Jan. For many years, my
brother celebrated his b-day on my b-day because he couldn't 1) wait for his
b-day 2) stand that I was getting all the attention. My parents didn't mind
because they were getting it all out of the way. I never got to have my own
b-day. To top it off, I had to do all the cleaning up during the b-day
party because I was a girl while he got to run around with all his friends.
Grrrr.

0tterbot...

wow, you're foreseeing one huge problem (and creating another with a "huge"
party) and want to make a third problem by creating the precedent of a
present for dd when it's not even _her_ birthday?

well, go for it if you want to, but i don't think i'd feel too sympathetic
if it all goes bung.

in my family, the kids have to (and do - very easily) accept _they_ don't
get a present on someone _else's_ birthday. never happens. it's the other
person's birthday, party, presents, & all about them. and they accept it.
they get the fun of joining in with everything, & when it's their _own_

bizby40...

The policy here, in both the pre-school and grade school, is that if
you are going to bring the invitations into the class, you must have
one for everyone. However, you are definitely not required to invite
the whole class! I can't really see how they could force someone to
have a big party like that if they didn't want to, or didn't think
they could afford it. They just ask that if you are not inviting the
whole class, you send the invitations through the mail instead of
handing them out in front of the other kids.

birthday they can have presents too.

when they were tiny i reminded each before something like this to remember
that it's not their own birthday & not to expect anything for themselves but
a fun day. that way they were able to look forward to & experience the fun,
but without thinking they were entitled to anything more than fun (and some
junk food ).
kylie

Engram...

I think you should get her involved in preparations, maybe ensure she has a
special "birthday outfit" and maybe gets to have input on the cake and
decorations but I wouldn't buy her a present. If she feels important and
gets some attention, she should be fine. Give her positive feedback about
how much she is helping you and how good she is being, don't make a deal out
of "not being jealous" or anything negative.

Sometimes people buy a present for the other child in the family as well. I
used to buy a bar of chocolate (like a Milky Way, which is very small) or a
lollipop for my sister's eldest when I was bringing a present for the
younger twins, praise her outfit and get her to show me what decorations she
had made for the party. My sister made sure she knew it wasn't her party and
that she wouldn't be getting presents, and the family made a bit of a fuss
of her as well as of the twins. I made sure the eldest got the lollipop
separately (if I even brought one!) and not when handing over the present -
it was a treat, not a present.

bizby40...

Well, first of all, I think "huge" parties are a mistake for 1 year
olds as they can end up overwhelmed and miserable. Make sure the
party is planned around his schedule as much as possible, and when he
needs it, go ahead and put him down for his nap, party or no party.

I would not start the tradition of getting your 3YO something special.
She'll be getting cake and ice cream (or whatever special treats
you're planning on), and there might also be balloons or goody bags,
etc. She'll probably want to play with some of the toys he gets even
if they are baby toys, and I don't see the harm in that. You can also
remind her that her own birthday is coming up soon. "Do, you like his
cake? What do you want yours to be like?" And you can enlist her
help as much as possible, "Do you think he'd like balloons? What
color should we get?"

My daughter, even at age 10, has big problems with not being the
center of attention, and even bigger problems with other people
getting something she doesn't. She understands, of course, that
everyone gets their turn, but she still gets very nervous and on edge
when the whole day revolves around her brother. Both of the ideas
above are things that she came up with on her own to help herself feel
better. She spent the day (and the days preceding) his birthday
alternately planning her own party, 3 months away, and making sure he
had the perfect day.

The biggest thing I think, is that you want her to feel included and
not overlooked. You can involve her in things and give her extra love
and attention without getting her a present of her own. And if she
starts expecting presents on other people's birthdays, it could
potentially cause problems when she goes to friends' parties.

Ericka Kammerer...

Just out of curiosity, do we know that by "huge party" the
OP means that it will be a huge party with zillions of other 1yos
at it? Mightn't it just mean that it's a huge adult or family
party on the occasion of baby's first birthday? I agree that
trying to have a kiddie party with all sorts of kiddie activities
and games and such for the 1yo set is probably asking for trouble,
but I don't see any reason to avoid a big family party for a 1yo
birthday if that's what the family enjoys doing. Heck, I've had
big parties for less reason than that!

bizby40...

I assumed it was mostly family, but with it being his birthday, he's
likely to get a lot of attention. I think it can work as long as she
makes sure he isn't overwhelmed, and that he gets to nap if he needs
it. I'm thinking back here to DD's first birthday. We had both sets
of grandparents here, and though it wasn't a huge party, we did have
things planned out -- lunch, then presents, then cake, etc. Well,
with all the talking and socializing, by the time we got to the cake,
she was exhausted and crying. I ended up putting her down for her nap
completely covered (face and hair) in icing and cake goo. She was
just too exhausted at that point to force her to stay awake for a
bath. There really is a difference between just being at a family
get-together, and being the center of attention.

Ericka Kammerer...

Sure, but it just means you have to plan for it.
After all, the 1yo isn't going to care if he misses out
on some of the activities. You just party on and make
sure you've planned things for the 1yo so that he doesn't
get overwhelmed. He won't care if he takes a nap in the
middle of the festivities--he won't care what he misses ;-)

Best wishes,
Ericka

emilymoberg...

I agree... we actually had a big party on Micah's first, with about 8
kids and 16 adults as I recall -- all the kids from his playgroup/my
moms' group. It was a bit chaotic (we don't have a big apartment), but
it worked fine, everyone had fun, and none of the kids melted down. We
didn't have any scheduled activities, of course; it was just an excuse
for the moms to hang out and for the dads to meet each other.

Em
mama to Micah, 11/14/04

Ericka Kammerer...

Like others, I'd agree with this. She'll learn to cope.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Marie...

If she's almost 3 then she's old enough to understand that only the
birthday kid gets presents. If you need to, remind her that her
birthday isn't far off, and then only she will get presents and not
her brother.

toypup...

DS is 32 months older than DD. He just loved birthdays. It didn't matter
whose birthday it was. He was just happy it was a birthday. That's how it
was when DD turned 1 yo and he was 3 yo. Maybe it will be the same for your
kids.

Jeanne...

Don't do this. I did this ONCE and had to pay (literally) for it for 2
or 3 years afterwards.

Instead, get your daughter involved in the planning. Ask her what her
brother would like to get for his birthday - help her make a picture or
simple present for her little brother. Have her help with the birthday
cake, decorations - she can choose colors.

Jeanne (I make the mistakes, so you don't have to)

Jennifer
Ariana 8/17/03
Alex 6/4/05

Mary Ann...

Are you also holding a huge party for her Birthday? If so, then I
don't think you need to be too worried. Her time will come and you
should keep reminding her of this.
I think it's fine to acknowledge that it's hard for her, but the fact
is that it is his special day. I would enlist her help as much as
possible. You could do so in a mock conspiratorial way...so keeping
little secrets from him about the cake, or decorations. Indulging her
won't help in the long run.
Hopefully your guests will give your daughter lots of attention,
especially if they have been in the same boat.

Make sure you tell her how good she is being; not about not being
jealous, but just in general. Hopefully she will feel that she has an
important role in her little brother's birthday.

Mary Ann

Jeanne...

Wow! So, the party goes from 1 pm to sometime after 4 pm (4:30 or 5 pm)?
That sounds pretty long to me - even if it's mainly family and close
family friends - for a first birthday.

dragonlady...

I absollutely HATE the idea of getting gifts for the "non-birthday" kid.
Instead, I always involved all of the kids in planning the party for
their sibling as much as possible.

Kids as young as 3 can easily understand that this isn't THEIR birthday

cjra...

Do people just not do parties anymore? Or is this similar to the idea
that a party is a catered-highly structured-back-to-back activities
kind of affair?

Penny Gaines...

[snip]

Well, we didn't have a huge bash for our kids' first birthdays, but we

xkatx...

I had tried to keep it without assuming either way. I know I said somewhere
that I wouldn't have the whole neighbourhood involved, but I did say if
there's a large family involved, then you just can't leave out relatives,
which is a totally different story.
We have a fairly large family - 1 grandma, 4 parents, 4 siblings, 12
aunts/uncles, 14 cousins, 9 nieces... Also the 5 (and a half) of us.
Birthdays aren't too bad - normally only about 12-15 people max (and then
us) but Christmas is nutso, and I'd probably lose my mind if birthdays were
the same. Luckily the biggest side lives a fair distance away, so that's
what makes birthdays more manageable!

xkatx...

She'd have to, unless you're going to have birthdays together (someone
suggested that or mentioned it) but with that, I can see some possible
problems... Since the birthdays are 2 months apart, that's kind of a far
stretch between days, and with siblings, I don't know. I can see one maybe
feeling left out, or even both. If you have a big together party in June,
how do you explain when August comes around? If June passes and you wait
until August, how do you explain what happened in June if nothing happens?
DH and I sometimes knock our birthdays together. I'm the 7th and he's the
19th of July. We're also old enough to not really care so much about
parties. We normally pick the Saturday or Sunday afternoon that falls
between our birthdays and have a BBQ - probably the 15th or 16th this year
;). Friends and family that want to come and can are welcome. Those that
don't or can't, that's fine. I'd just as soon be happy having a small quiet
dinner or a coffee and cake night without a gazillion people and a ton of
presents (as I find things to sometimes be useless anyways as there's really
not much I actually *need* and I'm not at the age where I really look
forward to my birthday party for the presents.)
With younger children, I can't see this really being as easy, unless they
have the same day for their actual birthday, or maybe within a week or so of
eachother. I have a cousin who has 2 girls - 6 years apart in age that were
both born on the same date. She just has a big birthday BBQ with each girl
inviting X amount of her friends and the family comes as well the same day
OR the next day. I just don't agree with presents for both on the other's
birthday. That, to me, seems like a bad norm to get into.

cjra...

That's cool. I can appreciate everyone has their own lifestyle
choices/situations, etc. Just didn't get why it's such a lousy idea for
everyone else, if that's what they want, are comfortable with, are used
to, and can handle.

FWIW - I DO have a huge family, and bday parties for kids with them are
great large affairs. However, my family and DH's all live to far away
for us to attend such gatherings on a regular basis. Our friends and
neighbors make good family substitutes, so I *do* see a reason to
invite every Susy and Billy from the neighborhood (at least, those with
whom we interact). It's fun, they have fun, the kids have fun, everyone
is happy. (We used to do more at our old house, and at every house
I've lived I've had parties with loads of kids, even tho I didn't have
kids myself...can't wait til we can do that at our new house). Heck,
our neighbors want to have their summer bash (previously their son's
bday party but have now decided just to make it a summer party) at a
suitable time after our baby is born so that we can have a party to
welcome the baby and invite all our friends at the same time and make
it a two-house thing. The baby surely won't care one way or the other,
but that's not the point ;-)

did have a relaxed crowd of grown-ups who were my friends (rather then
the kid's age) on their birthday itself. I've often said that the first
birthday party is for the parents, not the child. As long as the
parents remember that, I think they can have the first birthday how they
want it to be.

I ask because I LOVE our neighborhood parties where every Billy and
Susy from the 'hood is invited! We haven't thrown one ourselves yet
because our house and yard is still a disaster zone of sorts, but our
next door neighbors have thrown quite a few and it's great fun for all
involved. Kids and adults of all ages are present. Heck, it's part of
the reason we wanted to stay in this neighborhood when we decided to
buy.