A last trip

Last Saturday started like most mornings, with Betty curled up under
the covers and using my right arm as a pillow. Where Betty had rested
her head, my pajamas were wet. Much of Betty's jaw was missing, so
she always drooled and bled on me. I scritched Betty absentmindedly
and she gave a quiet murp and purred contentedly.

Before we got up, I held Betty close, and buried my face in her fur,
nuzzling her and kissing her. It was like any other morning, except
it was a tearful morning, and it would be the last morning for us.

The rest of the morning, I sat for a couple of hours with Betty on my
lap. I watched the clock apprehensively as her appointment
approached. The night before, I had talked to Betty and tearfully
explained to her what was going to happen, but today I couldn't bring
myself to say anything.

I got up to get Betty's carrier. Betty followed me, but meowed sadly
and backed away when she saw the carrier. She was such a good girl,
and let me pick her up, although she wasn't purring. I lowered her
into the carrier and closed it. I told her tearfully that I loved her
very much. Betty just looked a little resigned. She trusted me to
take care of her. She thought that she would be coming back.

MaryL...

I know -- from this message and previous ones -- that you have a sense that
you failed Betty. Please believe me -- you did not fail her; you gave her a
final act of love. You say that Betty trusted you, and she was right to do
so because you did everything you could for her. I have had to make that
final, terrible decision for two of my beloved cats. Your decision was
painful (excruciating) for you, but you did what was best for Betty. At a
time like this, I believe she would have said "thank you" for relieving her
pain if she could have done so. So, please try to stop berating yourself.
It's time to remember the good times with Betty, and eventually to provide a
loving home for another little furbaby.

At the veterinary office, I was escorted with Betty into a little
examination room. I took Betty out of her carrier and handed her to
the vet, who gave her a shot. Betty meowed a protest at the sting.
The vet said that the shot should fully sedate her within five
minutes, and left me alone with her.

I put Betty down on my lap. She seemed woozy, and I let her rest her
chin on my arm. She stared straight ahead, looking drowsy and
contemplative. When the vet and tech came back a few minutes later, I
realized as I handed Betty over to them that she had become completely
still. My sleeve had blood on it from where Betty rested her chin.

They placed Betty on her side on a pink towel on the examination
table. I was also at the table, but Betty was facing away from me,
and she still seemed to be staring, as though at something far away
that I couldn't see. The vet gave her another shot, and put her
stethoscope against Betty's chest. She told me that Betty was gone.

I was left alone with Betty in the little room. Her eyes hadn't even
had a chance to close. I went around to the other side of the table.
From the other side, she looked almost awake, but I could see that her
other eye was half closed, and her third eyelid was showing. Her
tongue was lolled out a little. I'd never seen this look on Betty
face before. It wasn't her usual looks of love or longing or
curiosity, but a look of defeat. I shook Betty's shoulder.

"Betty? Betty?? Betty!!!"

I could barely bring myself to believe that she was gone. I held
Betty's limp head, and petted her. I kissed her on her little cheek
and neck, and covered her with sobs. After a while, I backed away
from the table. I felt an irrational impulse to take her back home
with me. I still didn't think of this as a body, but I thought of her
as Betty. My baby. My love. But I realized what I had done, and I
fled.

I was caught in a downpour as I left, and it rained all weekend.

Cheryl...

Sometimes the weather fits the mood. I'm so sorry you had to go
through that, and like MaryL said, it was a final gift. I remember
when I had to let Shadow go, and all of the feelings came back
reading your writings. You'll find that you'll be reminded of her
many many many times, especially reading this group, and the tears
will remind you of your love for her. That's a blessing, even with
the tears, because you'll be see that she's not really gone, only her
body is. Hang in there.

Many hugs and purrs,

jmcquown...

Oh God, Tak... I'm crying. That was so hard for you to do and so hard for
all of us to read, too. My heart goes out to you, really it does. It's
such a hard thing to do. Purrs and hugs to you, my dear sweet one. And
thank you for taking such good care of Betty.

Love and hugs,
Jill

Kreisleriana...

Reminded me in every detail of when I sent my Mimi to RB. That little
limp body where your sweetheart was-- oh dear. And no, you don't want
to let them go. You can't believe they won't get up again.

Oh dear Tak-- it's still very soon. It really does get better. It
really does.

Theresa

Make Levees, Not War

glsummer...

Home Pages:
Animals in Movies Website)

sriddles...

Tak, wish I had some wise and comforting words. All I can say is, I
don't think I"ll ever forget Betty. The way you treasured her just
touched my heart and I loved the way you posted about her. I hope you
continue to post about her. I"m sure most everyone here feels the same
way, and will always respect her memory.

jXwXeXrXmXoXnXt...

Beautifully said, and I definitely do feel the same way. Tak, you have
really captured the sweetness, beauty and magic of a cat's love. I've
saved many of your posts over the past 3 years. I think this says something
not just about Betty's specialness and the special relationship you had,
but also I think it says something about you, who you are, what you feel.
And also, by the way, I think it shows that you're a really good writer.
I hope you keep it up!

Purrs,
Joyce

Sherry
Sherry

polonca12000...

Nobody could take better care of Betty than you did. You let her go to
the RB even though you knew how much you will miss her. You released her
from her pain. The love you have for Betty is and was visible from each
and every one of your posts. We got to know and love Betty through your
posts. Your love for her is pure and eternal. She is waiting for you at
the RB. And some day she will send a kitty your way, a kitty that will
need you just as Betty needed you. You are a wonderful caretaker and a
very special person, please do not forget this.
We are here for you, thinking of you. We are sending you lots of gentle
hugs and purrs,
Polonca and Soncek