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Murphy's Mothers Laws
Mon, 23 Jan 2006 22:03:36 +1100 rec.pets.cats.anecdotes
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Dave Gerecke...
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Murphy's Mothers Laws
€ Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't.. € A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper. € Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself. € Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it. € Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent. David Stevenson...
€ The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is. € The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten. € If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't. € The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you. € If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them. € Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing. € Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it. € If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers. € You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try. € Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it. € The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam. € The older you are, the more you feel like a child around your mother. € All mother's have a "How To" manual. That's because they wrote the book. € Mother's way is best. If you don't believe it, ask her. € Everything is a good idea till you mother finds out and tells you why it isn't. € One mother is company, two is a psychic reading, three is a hen party, four is a bridge club. € If you don't have time to study the drivers' manual, drive your mother somewhere and get a quick refresher course. € When you are broke, ask mom for a loan. She will help you remember what you wasted all your money on. € The more expensive the gift you give your mother, the longer she will "save" it before she uses it. € No matter how wrong you are, your mother will not hold it against you. She may remind you a number of times, but she will not hold it against you. € No matter how much you eat, you can never get so fat that mother will not offer you more food. € If a mother does not have an item, she will have the recipe or the directions. € The more times mother reminds you to take an umbrella, the greater the probability of rain. € Accomplishments are made possible by your mother - failures are your own fault. € Never forget who rocked you as a baby. That's something else you will never be able to repay her for. € Mother can always tell you a better way to do something after you've already done it. € The longer it's been since you cleaned house, the more likely it is that mother will visit. € No matter how small your mom is, she will always be bigger than you are. € The more you detest an item that belongs to your mother, the more likely it is that she will try to give it to you. € If you do it yourself, mom could have done it better. If mom does it, you should have done it yourself. € You never are as good as other people's children. You are never as bad as mom imagines. € The only thing more accurate than a mother's advice is her memory of the times you didn't take it. € The funnier the joke is, the more likely mom will think it is dirty. € Never tell your mother you have nothing to do. She can always find something. € If the job of a mother is going smoothly, she thinks she isn't doing it well. € There are always two sides to a story - the way it really happened and the way mother remembers it. € Mothers always "know." We don't know how - they just do. € Murphy's mother told him so. |