How to Torture your Dog

Just so everyone knows that I come by my 'Dog Abusing Thug' status honestly.

Step 1. Give your dog lots of exercise, so they're good and hungry.

Step 2. When you get home, sit in front of the computer for a few minutes.
If YOU need an excuse, it is that you're recovering from all that exercise
too. Feel free to snack while you're sitting down. Extremely crucial that
you ignore any pointed sniffing, pacing, whining or woo-woo-ing.

Step 3. Ask the dogs if they're hungry. Ask who wants some "yummy, yummy
food" (or whatever other key words get the saliva going). Go to the kitchen
and prepare food. Leave it on the counter "to cook", so they can see and
smell it.

Step 4. Go back to the computer and sit down. Whining and pacing are not
allowed. Hitting you with Giant Paws of Death gets dog sent to the
Coventry. Puppy dog eyes ARE allowed.

Step 5. Set the food down in front of the dogs. Wait for drooling to
commence. Put each dog through its pace, separately. Everybody waits until
each dog is done. Slipping on the drool while performing is NOT an
acceptable excuse.

So, how do YOU torture your dogs?

White Monkey...

Here food is not the Big Deal. The torture commences so: once the baby's
diaper change and breakfast and enclothing are out of the way, I make
mention of "getting ready". This is the signal for the pacing, the pawing at
random objects, the brooroorooo-ing, and the puppydog eyes to get started.
Then I put on my shoes. This inspires the wiggling, the tighter pacing, the
attempts at nose licking, the forcing of self between any human and any
object, and more pawing of random objects. This in turn inspires the "get on
your bed and wait" horror. Thus the shivering in excitement, eye rolling,
drooling with pent up joy, etc. are confined to one place. Then, quite
deliberately taking my time, I put the baby's coat on (this takes a little
longer now than it used to because last week he discovered the joys of
giggling and running away). Somewhere in there I mention the words "dog" and
"park" in the same sentence. Oh, the torture, as I then load the baby into
the stroller and put my coat on! It takes about a year after that for me to
get everything squared away for the final glorious moment when I appear in
the doorway holding a dog harness and leash, wait a long, cruel second, and
then utter the magic phrase, "OK, come here". Then she has to wait (twice!!)
while I open doors and take the stroller through them before her, and she
has to heel nicely for the whole terrifyingly long one-block walk across the
bridge to the park. Then she has to wait a *random number of seconds* and
*occasionally but not always sit* after her harness comes off before the
wonder of the "OK" moment releases her to bound gloriously about like a
total goofball for about half an hour. Repeat similarly in the afternoon.

Paula...

I ask if they want to go for a ride. Since it always takes at least a
few seconds to actually get them into the car, they are severely
tortured every time. My daughter managed to make it the worst torture
ever one day when she was talking to a friend on the phone and asker
her, "Do you want to go?" No one in the house was actually going
anywhere that day and the next time we left we were headed to
school/work without dogs. I'm not sure she has been forgiven to this
day.

Cate...

Around the time Orson thinks it's damn near time to go out for an
adventure on a given afternoon, I might end a conference call with
"goodbye!" (his self-taught cue that it's Time! For! Fun!) and then I
continue to sit at my desk for perhaps TEN MINUTES before I actually
start getting us ready to go.

Or, I might change my pants in the afternoon (another self-taught cue
that it's Time! For! Fun!) after a workout or whatever, and then not
take him anywhere. Because DUH! he already swam for an hour earlier in
the day.

I torture my dog by saying goodbye and changing my pants.

White Monkey...

For Saskia, asking Walter, "Are you done?" after he eats his breakfast is a
cue that we'll be getting ready to go soon. Drives her nuts that I also ask
him that at other times, like after snack time, shower time, nursing, etc.

Marcel Beaudoin...

I feed my daughter and help her get everything in her mouth.

montana wildhack...

You WHAT????

What about Moogli??? Won't SOMEONE think about the dog?

(muttering under breath about eeeevil selfish parents who won't let
their children splatter food around for the dog...)

Paula...

That's HORRIBLE!!! Don't you know that the whole point of having a
baby is to increase the amount of yummy food items your dog can score?
You didn't think you were having that baby for you and Gen, did you?

MauiJNP...

Since Maui likes to get ear infections, I torture him by insisting his ears
get cleaned everyday. Once he hears the medicine drawer open, he gives me
the look of death. I save a good treat for after the cleaning so he no
longer runs when he hears the drawer open but the look of death he has for
me at that moment is pretty bad.

Rocky...

In much the same way you do.

Both of my dog's bowls get filled at the same time, though I
hydrate Rocky's food (damp kibble accepts the liquid KBr better)
so both bowls sit on the counter for about 15 minutes.

After 5 years you'd think that Rocky would figure out the
routine. Nope. He drools for those 15 minutes, Staring At Me.
Friday figured it out right away and goes somwhere to sleep.
It's poor Winnie (a friend's dog here for 3 weeks) who's really
being tortured - it seems that stainless steel bowl coming out
of the cupboard mean food *now*, dammit!

Robin Nuttall...

Viva and Cala are used to the food NOW routine. Viva eats in the room
with the food, Cala in my bedroom in her crate. When the springers come
to visit, the torture commences. Their owner has the longest list of
STUFF that has to go on their food. Supplements. Yogurt. Pills. Cala
resorts to running to the food room and stamping her feet to see where I
am DAMMIT. Viva drools so much that I have a special drool rug just for her.

Rocky...

Your drool story reminded me of another torture story. Rocky
loves his dinner plus Rocky holds a rock-hard wait. Put those
together with a forgetful owner and you get DROOL.

I give Rocky a release to eat. Once, I either forgot, I wasn't
clear, or he didn't hear. I returned to the kitchen a
commercial break later to find Rocky staring at his food bowl
with a large pool of drool in front of him.

If I wasn't so immune to the sounds of dogs crying and whining
and being tortured, I'd be bothered. But I'm a thug. Sometimes
I even physically praise them.

Jodi...

1. I ask her repeatedly if she wants to have some bones or eat some
din-din. Both questions make her cock her head adorably.

2. I force her to cuddle with me.

3. I cook meals and eat them without inviting her to partake.