Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

September 13, 2006

WASHINGTON, DC—Over 87 percent of Americans are unprepared to protect
themselves from even the most basic world-ending scenarios, according
to a study released Monday by the nonpartisan doomsday think-tank The
Malthusian Institute.

js...

I'm curious how the other 13% think they are protecting themselves from
world-ending scenarios. I do remember a small group in California that
had a concept but seems they didn't get it just right,
either....Heavens Gate?

Thanks for the bit of humor, Rita.

Florida...

:^) Had been worried about the Bsh Admins' new forms of Mutually
Assured Destruction. Thanks for replacing them with Universally
Assured Destruction.

Despite "more than ample warning" for the most likely means of
worldwide destruction, less than one million American households have
taken even the simplest precautions against nuclear shockwaves,
asteroid impact, or a host of angels bearing swords of fire, the study
concluded.

chatnoir...

My name is Abbe Hyupsing Qong and I came from the planet called Zetor!
I hve transportation off this planet under such circumstances = Good
luck to those that don't!

"Our survey of households in seven U. S. regions demonstrated that few
citizens have bothered to equip themselves with fireproof suits and
extinguishers to deal with volcanic upheaval, solar flares, or the
Lord's purifying flame," Malthusian Institute director James Olheiser
said. "Almost no one is prepared for a sudden shift in the Earth's
polarity or the eating of the Sun and moon by evil wolves Skol and
Hati during Ragnarok."

jimstevens...

Every person should read this item carefully and begin to prepare.
Enroll in a yoga class and practice, practice, practice. At some
point you will be limber enough to be able to kiss you own ass
goodbye.

Olheiser added: "All in all, America gets an 'F' for end-of-the-world
preparedness."

The study examined nearly 1,200 doomsday scenarios and detailed the
most glaring gaps in average Americans' ability to survive them. One
of the few survival measures that fulfills the Institute's
recommendations for most catastrophes—natural, manmade, or
spiritual—is a mile-deep, lead-lined subterranean vault built to
shield a pre-selected breeding group of humans until they can safely
return to the planet's surface. However, only two American citizens,
both in Idaho, were found to have begun even the most cursory planning
stages of this kind of race-preserving chamber.

"Even assuming someone eventually developed an above-ground
super-house able to withstand the 1,200-degree temperature and massive
force of lava and ash rain that would result from a globe-shattering
asteroid impact, its occupants would be unprepared for the ensuing
radical climate change," Olheiser said. "By the same token, the
average household lacks the 1.2 million gallons of heating oil needed
to withstand the prolonged sub-zero temperatures of another protracted
Ice Age—perhaps the most shocking of the public's many oversights."

In the years after World War II, fallout shelters and stocks of canned
goods were common in many American homes. However, as Malthusian
Institute figures suggest, while public fears of world-ending
scenarios grew more sophisticated, the level of preparation
inexplicably dropped.

"America is at its lowest level of apocalyptic preparedness since the
early 1950s," Olheiser said.

"Naturally, we're very concerned about the safety of our city's
residents," said Billings, MT mayor Ron Tussing whose city was faulted
in the study for lackadaisical endtimes-response policy. "But people
can't expect the government to do everything. In the event of, say,
the eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park, or a
torrential rain of boiling blood, citizens realize they're on their
own."

However, many Americans consistently point to the same two factors
that they say hinder their ability to respond to the end of the world:
time and money. The study found that many apocalypse-preparedness
measures are cost-prohibitive. With virtually no tax incentives in
place, many Americans share the "dangerous perception" that only the
richest few can afford to survive the extinction of humanity.

"I just renovated my house with cantilevered leaden cofferdams for
increased earthquake and radiation protection, and I'm working on a
pantheistic altar to appease the god or gods most likely to return to
this world with an insatiable wrath," said Seattle resident Tim
Hanson, whose actions were praised in the study as a "highly rare
display of prescience and vigilance."

"I installed solar panels and a generator so I could live off the grid
for a while," Hanson added. "But it cost so much that now I might not
be able to have the altar properly gilded. At least not in time."

Not only are Americans unprepared physically, but spiritually as well.
The study found that fewer than one thousand Americans regularly
monitored space for signs of an approaching hostile alien ship, and
only one percent were aware that an all-red bull and an all-white
buffalo had recently been born and that plans were underway to rebuild
Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem.

"We're advising parents to read this vital information, to take it to
heart, and to share it with their children before it's too late," said
Olheiser, who also called for the formation of more doomsday cults.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff sharply
disagreed with the report's findings.

"This study is inaccurate and misleading," Chertoff told reporters on
Tuesday. "Americans are a resilient, can-do people. We are more
prepared than ever to survive a gigantic tsunami, a major
gravitational disruption, or any other heretofore non-prophesied
calamity."

Chertoff added: "As for Armageddon borne out of God's heavenly wrath,
I can say with assurance that this nation has never seen a
presidential administration that has given more thought to this very
scenario."